


love you, hate you

by mirkwood131



Series: EXO Central [51]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Biting, Blow Jobs, Byun Baekhyun-centric, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Jealousy, Kinks, Light Bondage, M/M, Roommates, Slow Burn, Smoking, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-10-18 08:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 38,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17577479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkwood131/pseuds/mirkwood131
Summary: Two dirt-poor art students survive by sharing a nasty little apartment above a bodega. They struggle through three years, barely making ends meet, comforting one another through tragedies and triumph, but never openly admit how they feel about each other…until they graduate, and one of them gets a job in another city. Is it too late to confess their love?





	1. year one

**Author's Note:**

> I quite like this idea, to be honest; a less gloomy than what i've usually been writing, but i think it's a good change. 
> 
> hope you'll enjoy:)

“You know…I was thinking.” Baekhyun said as he placed the spoon in his mouth, letting its handle dangle from the seam of his lips.

The jar of peanut butter was open on the table, almost empty.

“So…you think from time to time…” the other said, glancing at him from the book in front of him, while he was stirring in a cup.

“Shut up. This is legitimate thinking. As I was trying to say-“ he continued, placing the spoon into the cup.

“You’re such a disgusting piece of shit!”

“Calm down. I know that you are angry, Kyungsoo…”

“Angry? I’ll almost pop a vein at this rate.” Kyungsoo said between gritted teeth, placing the book on the table with too much force because, suddenly, like a small scale earthquake, the mug shifted and the liquid made a surprising jump over the edges, right on the deep green cover. “Damn it!”

“We can fix it! Nononono. I can fix it.” Baekhyun said, grabbing a napkin to wipe the stain which already seeped into the book. “Not necessarily that but…I can fix that.”

“How?”

“First. Stop sulking. It’s just one cat and one dog. They are not beasts that came from the Underworld, sent my Hades to haunt your poor little soul forever until you will willingly jump straight between the gates of hell and go down the Styx until-“

“Would you shut your mouth? Your cute little dog peed on the carpet.” Kyungsoo said.

He stood up, taking the mug with him, which he placed in the sink, and sighed, glancing up at the cracked ceiling with yellow stains on it.

“Fixable. Anything else to add?”

“They need food. Visits to the vet. Have I mentioned food?!” he asked, turning around to look at him.

“I’ll buy the food.”

Kyungsoo laughed, his lips turning into a smirk.

“Well, you didn’t expect that I would pay for your evil spawns.”

“They are 2 little cute animals. Small, pure souls that I saved from clear death and poverty.” Baekhyun said, grinning.

But his grin faded away as Kyungsoo only frowned.

“And who will save us from poverty and malnourishment? The queen of England?”

“Don’t be like this. We live just fine.” Baekhyun said, slapping his arm. “I think Belle is crying.”

“You named a freaking cat Belle?” Kyungsoo shouted, but the other was already running into the other room that served as a bedroom for both of them.

Baekhyun had never admitted in front of Kyungsoo that the first 4 weeks of taking care of Belle-a black cat, too small to be given any chances of survival, with its eyes not even opened-and Cornel-a brown tuff of hair and constant barking-had been the worst weeks of his entire life until that point. And not because Belle and Cornel were not great pals or sweet, pure souls, but because the new schedule of feeding each one of them on intervals of 2 hours, 24/7, was slowly eating away at his mental stability.

Quitting on his university classes or any social activity he could have had also been encouraging him to feel more and more like a bag of meat and nerves than an actual human being.

And Belle really liked to meow.

“You could help me from time to time…” Baekhyun said one night.

It was almost midnight and Belle had just started crying.

“Did I bring them in? You know this is my room too…but now it smells like…shits and milk.”

“Kyungsoo…I’m serious. I’m tired.” Baekhyun whispered.

Cornel had fallen asleep on his lap while he had been (trying to) feeding Belle with the syringe.

“Give them away.”

“Asshole!”

“I let you keep them.”

“What are you, my mother?”

“Your fucking roommate! There are 10 centimeters of space between our beds. Then other 2 meters to the wall and door. And those 2 meters are now represented by the boxes for the spawns of evil.”

“Fine. Then I’ll move out and then I’m not sure who will move in with you. Or who could stand your obnoxious superiority complex.” Baekhyun said.

He placed Belle inside her box, covering most of her body with a blanket made out of an old shirt and took Cornel in bed with him.

“And who would take your clingy ass with 2 pets hanging from your tail?”

“At least I’m not a selfish asshole.” Baekhyun said.

“Turn off the light.”

“I’m already in bed.”

“Then we’ll sleep with the lights on.”

“No wonder you are single,” Baekhyun whispered as Cornel whined in his arms, snuggling closer to his face. “That’s right, buddy…but you have me and Belle…you’ll never be alone.”

“I can hear you.”

Baekhyun had come to the conclusion that in fact the worst weeks or months of his life had been the next 2 ones, when, through a bare minimum effort from both of them, a total of 8 words had been spoken.

Kyungsoo hadn’t kicked him out and Baekhyun hadn’t searched for another accommodation. Instead, they had chosen to keep a drilling silence that made the cramped apartment even more cramped, like a matchbox.

Those 8 words represented a “Turn off the lights or I’ll kill you!” said by Kyungsoo one night when he looked closer to a zombie than a human being.

That particular night, Belle had had diarrhea and to make matters worse, Cornel pooped on the new rug.

Reconciliation wasn’t something Baekhyun had been thinking about in the big scheme of things; and when it came, it was quite anticlimactic. Kyungsoo had simply started talking to him like nothing had happened; no apology, no handshake, no heartfelt hug.

“I cooked.”

“Okay…”

“I made some for you if you want.”

Baekhyun almost grinned but stopped as he covered his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Maybe…but I had my own food anyway.” he said, sitting down at the table.

Cornel was running around his feet, sliding on the linoleum and falling down right on his white belly; Belle was watching everything from the furthest corner in the entire room, where she had a box with some stuffed animals inside of it.

“That cat seems…evil.” Baekhyun said as Kyungsoo was placing the food on the yellow plates.

“I’ve told you. Her eyes are creepy. As if she knows exactly what you are thinking.”

“She’s judging us right now.”

“Right. My cooking skills. She stayed there the whole time.” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun didn’t want to act surprised in front of him or say anything that would show how happy he was feeling about them talking again.

“So…what have you been up to?” he asked.

“Nothing much…school and back home. You?”

“The same…” Baekhyun shrugged.

All his friends from his home town had said that the first couple of months of living with a stranger were the hardest. He couldn’t agree more.

“This is great. What is it?”

“Kimchi pasta.” Kyungsoo said, mid bite.

His glasses were foggy so Baekhyun couldn’t see his eyes anymore, only the slight smile that was turning into a bigger one.

“It’s amazing actually.”

“Thanks.” he said.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Are we…alright?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” Kyungsoo said and looked at him; the glasses were no longer fogged up, so Baekhyun stared back into his plate.

Cornel barked, running around with something brown in his mouth.

“Is that my freaking shoe?” Kyungsoo yelled, standing up.

The chair screeched and fell down with a thud that reverberated through the table, plates and Baekhyun’s bones. Cornel barked once more, sprinting straight into the bedroom. Kyungsoo followed him and after another series of curses from Kyungsoo and small barks from the dog, it all turned quiet.

“He chewed my shoes. My new shoes. My nice shoes.”

“He’s just…a pup.” Baekhyun whispered.

Sweat was slowly going down his back, staining his white t-shirt. They had been right saying that the first few months were the hardest.

“Pay for my shoe. 20$.”

“That isn’t worth 20$. Maybe the entire pair.” Baekhyun said.

“He ruined it. I only wore these…3 times.”

“Nobody will notice.”

“I’m not kidding.”

“Did I say that I am kidding either? What if Cornel was your kid and-“

“Cornel is a fucking dog!” Kyungsoo yelled.

“Lower your voice. You are scaring Belle.”

“What?! The devil in cat form?! Baekhyun…I swear I’ll be throwing them out tomorrow if you don’t pay for my shoe right now.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Baekhyun said, raising his voice.

He sat up, looking straight at Kyungsoo.

“We can’t just fight from every stupid thing. We must…find peace and understanding in each other. Cornel and Belle cannot differentiate right from bad. They are still…children. You were no better when you were their age.” Baekhyun said.

“Are you comparing me with-with…a freaking cat?”

“Yes-no-yes…what I’m trying to say is-“

“Pay 20$ and we are even.” Kyungsoo said.

“Fine. Asshole.” he whispered the last word as he searched through his almost empty wallet, with rips in different places that almost looked fashionable, and threw the bill on the table. “Happy?”

After that, Baekhyun was more than glad to spend the entire day at school, covered in paint and paper, all floating around him, as the canvases were being filled by abstract shapes or less abstract ones that looked like black cats and orange dogs, floating around in different patterns. But he had always enjoyed every moment of that, the smell of wet paint, it drying on the paper until he could run his finger over the formed image.

He was sharing the space with 3 other people, 2 guys, and a girl, who was also in his usual classes.

“So he actually made you pay for his…shoes?”

“Yup.” Baekhyun nodded.

“What an idiot. Really.” the other said. “You two don’t seem like you would fit to live together.”

“Because we aren’t.” he sighed. “We are total opposites.”

“You could find someone else to rent with it.”

“Neah…too much hustle for nothing,” Baekhyun said, sitting down on the floor.

The painting looked weirder than usual and he wasn’t certain whether or not that was a good thing.

“Chanyeol?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think it looks decent?”

“I guess so.” the other shrugged, placing the paintbrush handle between his teeth.

“My life is a mess…” he whispered.

“Let’s go for some drinks afterward.” Chanyeol said, looking at him.

“But I can’t stay for long. I need to feed Belle and Cornel since that asshole would watch them die with a smile on that ugly face of his.”

Chanyeol laughed, putting the brush into a jar filled with greenish grey water. “Then let him starve too. Or lock the door and not let him in until he pays you.”

“He’ll call the cops or something.” Baekhyun said.

“Where did you say you found him?”

“Uhm…through a friend of a friend whose friend…”

“Oh…I see. Now let’s go. I really need a drink.” Chanyeol said, grabbing his arm to pull him towards the door.

“Don’t I have paint on my face?”

Chanyeol shook his head so Baekhyun closed the door and followed him outside, where they took a taxi. His heart sank, just a little, thinking about the money he would have to pay, considering he had already wasted enough on Kyungsoo’s shoes.

But Chanyeol seemed quite oblivious of such trivial matters as paying the money back, and Baekhyun didn’t press him further. He wasn’t that keen on throwing away another 15$ just like that. The “let’s have a drink" place turned out to be a night club-a brightly illuminated place, with two guards in front of the large, black doors.

It wasn’t even 8, but the space was crowded. Nobody was dancing, as most tables were filled by 20-year-olds, laughing and clinking glasses of drinks that had costed more than what Baekhyun had in savings.

Chanyeol was pushing him forward from time to time, with the tips of his fingers. He had already unbuttoned the first 3 buttons of his pale blue shirt, revealing a perfectly shaved chest.

“So…what do you want?” he asked as he sat down at the bar. “I suppose there’s no room at a decent table.”

“Uhm…” Baekhyun whispered, trying to squeeze his eyes and see the list of prices. “Cola and vodka?”

“Alright. Make it two.” he said to the bartender.

“Do you come here often?”

“Sometimes, if I have good company.” Chanyeol smiled.

The drinks appeared in front of them, but Baekhyun only stared at the brownish-black liquid.

“So…am I good company?” Baekhyun asked, weighing the glass.

The other’s hand fell on his thigh, squeezing it for a couple of seconds before he gulped down the drink.

“You are very pretty…you know that?” Chanyeol asked.

Baekhyun smiled, glancing down, at his small reflection in the dark liquid.

“Thanks…”

“And very shy too.” he said, pushing his chin forward with one finger.

“I’m just…”

“It’s cute, don’t worry. Now let’s dance.”

Baekhyun stood up, his legs trembling a little; the center of the room was getting crowded with people, but they found a spot not too far away from the bar. Chanyeol’s hands fell onto his hips, squeezing them tightly as his chest was pressed against his back. He was swinging from one side to another, as from time to time, be it inertia or the alcohol, his ass would press harder against the other’s crotch.

After a while, he was positive he could feel an erection.

He shivered when Chanyeol’s lips touched his neck, slowly sucking and licking on a spot right below his ear.

“I think we should…” he whispered, but Chanyeol sucked harder, pushing his hips forward. “Fuck…”

They didn’t stay much longer at the club afterward, taking a taxi back to Chanyeol’s apartment that smelled like rich babies and vanilla infused pillows. It was bigger than anything he could have ever imagined, only the bedroom twice the size of his entire rented flat.

Chanyeol kissed him hard on the lips, right in the doorframe, taking his top off while Baekhyun was unbuttoning his shirt.

“Bedroom…” he whispered, as his fingers were brushing through Chanyeol’s hair.

The mattress was the softest thing his back and ass cheeks had ever laid on, and, truthfully, he would have stolen it with the risk of 10 years in jail. Compared to his own one, which appeared to be made out of fish bones and regrets, that mattress was dreams and fluffy clouds.

“I want to fuck you so badly.” Chanyeol whispered in his ear and Baekhyun burst into laughter, muffled by the pillow.

“I…haven’t had sex…before.” Baekhyun said, pushing him at a distance.

“That’s fine too. I’ll be gentle.” he smiled, kissing him again.

From his porn research and general knowledge of his own penis and other bits and pieces of information found on random websites, Baekhyun had concluded-mostly from the terrible burn and stretch his asshole was feeling-that Chanyeol was rather big. Which, in effect, was supposed to make him happy. But, in reality, he would have settled for something smaller and less painful.

“Oh…you are so tight.” the other said.

“Can you…stop for a sec?” Baekhyun whispered, panting.

“Yeah, yeah, sure…”

“Okay…it hurts a little, you know.”

“Oh. I think I should put more lube.” Chanyeol said, taking the bottle from the nightstand again.

It smelled like artificial cherries which made his skin and Chanyeol smell that way, which as a consequence was making him nauseous. The liquid was cold even though his fingers were soft and warm.

“Is it better?”

It wasn’t, as his butt started aching, but Baekhyun nodded, closing his eyes. He was pretty sure Chanyeol was gentle, but that wasn’t of much use either. His butt simply wasn’t willing to cooperate that particular night.

In the morning, he felt like a truck had run over his body hundreds of times.

“Fuck!” he whispered, jumping from the bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“What’s wrong, babe?”

“I’m late, I’m fucked. I’m late for my job.” he said as his foot couldn’t find the pant hole.

“Job?”

“Yeah…part time job, before school.”

“Oh…can’t you just take the day off?”

“Are you crazy?!” Baekhyun shouted, finally being half dressed. “I’m going to be dead, I’m going to be dead. I’ll be thrown on the streets!”

“Last night was fun!” Chanyeol yelled while Baekhyun was running towards the entrance door.

Baekhyun was sharing his time between his part-time job at a book store, school and his two kids (Belle and Cornel). Lately, sharing his time meant living in an existential hell sprinkled by the fact that he couldn’t -didn’t want- to talk to his very own roommate after the shoe incident.

The book store was small and dusty, filled with comics and old, Victorian novels that he was reading when there were no clients around. He was doing the 4-hour shift all alone, usually accompanied by a fat, grey haired cat named Bob. Customers liked it, especially kids, and since Bob was as pliant as a stray cat could be, not even his boss was saying anything about the addition.

He sat down at the desk, followed by Bob from between two tomes on the floor.

“Hey bud.” he whispered, brushing his fingers through the fur. “Sausage?”

Bob meowed, grabbing the food from him.

“Do you think Chanyeol likes me?”

Bob glanced at him and then focused back on the remaining sausage in front of him.

“So you say he doesn’t…my butt really hurts though.” he said. “What do you think about sex with random dudes that you might like?”

Bob meowed, looking at him. He then jumped straight on his lap, turning into a big ball of fluff.

“You say I shouldn’t do it? Well…I already did it, old man. And I’m not sure whether or not I regret it…”

The cat started licking its paws, purring just as Baekhyun sighed.

Later, at school, he avoided Chanyeol at every step but, as if goddess Fortuna herself was trying to test his patience, the other was everywhere or at least, everywhere Baekhyun was going. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t want to talk to him since Chanyeol had acted pretty okay in the morning.

Nonetheless, he felt like a stone fell off from his heart when he opened the door of his apartment and Cornel ran towards him on those short legs of his.

“Buddy! I missed you. Did you eat?”

“I fed them.”

Kyungsoo was sitting at the kitchen table, glasses on, wearing a grey t-shirt with many rips and paint stains all over it. He was sketching something on a piece of black paper.

“I was thinking…”

“So you think from time to time.” Baekhyun laughed.

“Shut up. We should have a jar.”

“We have…more than one jar.”

Kyungsoo shook his head, putting the pencil down onto the table.

“A jar where you put money every time you are not home to feed your evil spawns and I have to do it for you. 2$ for that. 5$ when they poop, pee the carpet, beds. 15$ when they destroy something I own. No matter what.”

“Are you crazy?” Baekhyun yelled, throwing his shoes in a corner.

He picked Cornel up and glanced around until he saw Belle in the same dark corner watching them.

“No. Just some incentives to make you take care of them. Last night was a pain in the ass.” Kyungsoo said and Baekhyun burst into laughter.

“What is it so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. Absolutely nothing. But lower the charges.”

“No way in hell.”

“I’ll make Belle kill you in the sleep.” Baekhyun said.

“Where were you last night anyway? In a dumpster, finding more evil spawns?”

“With a friend, which is a term you have never heard of because…oh, I forgot, you have no friends because you are a pain in the freaking ass.” he said, placing Cornel down on the floor. “I’m starving.”

“Well…cook for yourself. I’m the one here without friends which means we aren’t friends so you shouldn’t expect me to feed you.” Kyungsoo said.

“I was never expecting you to feed me. What? Poison?”

“You know…” Kyungsoo said, standing up. “You have a stain on your butt.”

“What kind of stain?”

He shrugged, opening the fridge.

“A stain.”

Baekhyun locked himself inside the bathroom, turned on the water, peeled the clothes off his body and took one of the longest showers imaginable. He knew it was long when Kyungsoo started knocking and yelling at the same. It made him laugh, even though his bottom half of his body was in considerable pain.

“Open! It’s been a fucking hour! You’ll pay for that, not me. Or add to the jar!” Kyungsoo shouted.

“One minute.”

He came out of the bathroom wearing only a white towel around his middle and for some reason, he wished he were with Chanyeol, in his apartment that smelled like rich people and had the softest mattress he had ever touch. Maybe the pain in the ass was worth it after all.

“Why was I that stupid?” he whispered, passing by Kyungsoo.

“You are always stupid.”

“I wasn’t talking to you…you know what, I’ll call him.” he whispered.

After half an hour, he was in a taxi, on his way to Chanyeol’s apartment, after he had placed 5$ in the jar that had suddenly appeared on their kitchen counter. Kyungsoo had seemed rather happy seeing him gone, retreating inside the bedroom long before he left.

Chanyeol opened the door for him rather fast.

“Hey…babe, you’ve been avoiding me today.” he smiled, placing an arm around his shoulder.

“I…”

“It’s alright. Don’t have to be embarrassed.”

“I’m not.”

“So, today did you go to your job?”

“Yeah, of course.” Baekhyun said. “I need that salary to pay my rent.”

“Don’t your parents pay it for you?”

“Oh, …it’s a little more complicated. But no.”

“Mine do.” Chanyeol grinned. “Are you hungry?”

“A little.”

“I have shrimp salad with anchovies and other stuff in it.”

“Sounds great.”

“It is amazing.” the other laughed. “Oh, I forgot to ask you: did you enjoy last night?”

“Oh…yeah…I liked it.” Baekhyun said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Did you?”

“Yeah, you were really cute.”

Chanyeol kissed his cheek, wrapping both arms around him from behind. He pressed a little harder and Baekhyun whined; not because he particularly enjoyed it but because pang of pain traveled right up his spine and stomach.

“Uhm…the food?”

“Oh, right.”

Baekhyun wasn’t in the mood for sex, but as it seemed like right after he finished the salad-which had sounded better than it tasted: so little shrimp that he had to fish it out from between the pineapple slices and other types of greenery-Chanyeol was.

“Are you still sore?”

“A little.” he said.

He was more than a little.

“Maybe a blow job?” Baekhyun whispered.

Baekhyun found out he hated blow jobs, or at least blow jobs after just eating, which made him almost puke a couple of times and then choke on his own vomit.

“Fuck…that feels so good.” Chanyeol said, pulling his hair. “Do it like that-ooohhh…”

It all came down his throat without a warning.

“Sorry…”

“It’s okay…”

Chanyeol liked cuddling if it were to consider all his four limbs tangled with Baekhyun’s smaller ones. It was more painful than anything else, not even romantic, as both of his feet fell asleep and for some reason, he didn’t want to tell the other to move to his own square on the bed. Baekhyun enjoyed cuddling people he liked. He wasn’t sure whether or not he liked Chanyeol.

But Chanyeol fell asleep quickly, and with his leave to the land of dreams and snores, Baekhyun managed to uncage himself and breathe out.

He couldn’t sleep.

His stomach grumbled, once, twice and at the third time, Baekhyun knew he was screwed. It all came at once, the need to poop and one to vomit, each trying to overpower the other. That was the shortest run the bathroom in his life and after 30 minutes spent in front of the toilet bowl, he was certain he hated shrimp and anchovies.

The morning that came was too bright. His head hurt, his stomach still ached. Chanyeol turned around next to him, stretching his limbs.

“Morning…are you about to run away this time too?” he asked.

“No. It’s Saturday.” Baekhyun whispered, covering his head with the duvet.

“Do you want to sleep more?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay…I’m going to take a shower.”

Baekhyun grumbled something, thinking that he didn’t care about what he was doing. His stomach returned to its previous grumbling and, much sooner than he had wanted, he stood up and ran inside the spare bathroom.

He didn’t eat breakfast with Chanyeol but went home straight after the other had finished the shower.

Belle meowed as he stepped inside the apartment, sitting right at his feet.

“Hey, girl. Papa is feeling like shit.”

“Another 1$ in the jar.” Kyungsoo said from the kitchen table. “Fed them 3 times.”

“Why the heck did you feed them 3 times?” he asked, taking off his shoes.

“Cornel wouldn’t stop barking last night so I just fed them again. Then it was all good.”

“I’m feeling like shit.”

“You do look like shit.” Kyungsoo said.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t clog the toilet or puke on my bed. Actually, don’t puke anywhere in the bedroom because I can’t stand that smell. Oh, and just open the window in the bathroom.”

“Asshole!” Baekhyun shouted, slamming the door to the bathroom at the same time.

Somehow, not even after all that vomiting and defecating, was he feeling better. His stomach seemed to have a big, heavy stone inside of it, floating in some water as it kept hitting everything. Walking was making everything worse, but not even standing was much better.

After sitting and sitting on the toilet, he heard a knock at the door.

“Are you dead?”

“No!”

“Then what’s taking you so long?”

“I’m not feeling that well.”

“Come on…” Kyungsoo said and opened the door. “Oh, dear.” he whispered.

“What?”

“Your face…is kind of…bloated. Swelled, a little. You have chipmunk cheeks.” he laughed.

“Not funny.”

“What did you eat?”

“Some freaking fancy shrimp salad that tasted like shit.”

“Then you have food poisoning.” Kyungsoo said.

“Huh…?”

“Did you drink any water?”

“No…I’ve been puking a lot…and pooping.” Baekhyun said, right when a very noisy fart came. “Sorry…it’s…”

“You need to drink some water. And just sit in bed. Maybe you even have a fever or something.” Kyungsoo said and left the room.

He returned minutes later, holding a mug. “Drink.”

“It will make me feel worse…”

“Just drink. You are dehydrated.”

“Since when do you know so much about food poisoning?” Baekhyun said, sipping from the water.

“Since I had it 3 months ago. To the bottom.”

“Oh…is my face still of a chipmunk?”

“Yeah…kind of.”

Baekhyun would like to consider his sudden sickness a crossroad for their relationship; up until that point, he could only see it in one way: playing cat and mouse. After the incident, another possibility appeared one that meant they could be friends after all, or that Kyungsoo wasn’t that terrible.

The name of chipmunk stuck with Kyungsoo, but Baekhyun didn’t really mind it for some reason.

“I have a question.” Baekhyun whispered one night.

“I’m trying to fall asleep.”

“It’s not long.”

“Shoot.”

“When a guy doesn’t call you a week after you’ve…slept together does that mean he doesn’t like you or he’s bored or…”

“Why are you asking me this? Do you see me as some sort of…mentor or something in the art of copulation?” Kyungsoo said, turning on the other side of the bed, away from Baekhyun.

“No…but I feel stupid.”

“Well…did you like the guy?”

“I…not really. But he was rich.”

“So you liked his money.” Kyungsoo sighed.

“Maybe.”

“You literally admitted that you only fucked with him because he was rich. And now you want him to call you back because you still think about all the money and gifts and free stuff, not about him, really.”

“Well…okay. Thank you for the summary of my feelings.” Baekhyun said.

“You asked me.”

“Well, …you still didn’t answer my question.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Fiiiine.”

In the morning, Kyungsoo was already in the kitchen, and, even though the appearance of everything was of the most ordinary kind, Baekhyun’s mouth still opened so wide that his jaw started to hurt. Kyungsoo was playing with Cornel, Cornel who was ‘oh so happily’ licking his face.

“I can’t believe he’s cheating on me with you.” Baekhyun said.

Kyungsoo stood up, clearing his throat.

“He can know when someone is high quality.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m better than you.” Kyungsoo shrugged.

“Asshole.”

“Chipmunk. I still have the pics.”

“You said you’d delete them.” Baekhyun said, slapping him over the bottom part.

It had been a couple of months after that, the holidays and everything in between-the exams-had passed without much problems or any other food poisonings worthy of new names; eventually, when spring came and his feet stopped freezing underneath the duvet, Baekhyun was rather content with his life.

Each and every Sunday morning, at 8 sharp, he would find Kyungsoo in their kitchen, cleaning every surface with a lemon smelling concoction which was supposed to be eco-friendly. The jar had filled up in the meantime, a couple more rules and fees being added, such as the weekly clean up or the bi-weekly shopping spree in the small supermarket on their streets. 3$ for one and 1.5$ for the other, each time Baekhyun would forget to do them with Kyungsoo.

“Morning tiger.”

That particular morning, Kyungsoo was listing to ABBA on full blast. Belle was hiding in her dark corner, having some more convicted objects gathered in her pile; a kitchen sponge, one sock and a pair of boxer briefs.

“Cloth and cleaning solution. Now. You won’t eat until we finish this.” the other said, not even looking at him.

Baekhyun smiled, taking everything from the kitchen table.

“I have an idea. We could buy some fancy food with the money in the jar.” Baekhyun said, starting to wipe the fridge.

“That would give you food poisoning once again?”

“Would you just shut up with that already? I’m tired of instant ramen. You must be too.”

“Then cook something decent.” Kyungsoo shrugged.

“You know I can’t cook.”

“Do you think I was born cooking or something?!”

“No…but you have a natural talent for such a thing. Plus, my fingers are too pretty to be cut by a knife.” Baekhyun grinned.

“Clean, chipmunk.”

Both laughed and for some reason, Baekhyun thought that everything was pretty great. They didn’t have much money as most of what they did have was going on the rent, and even though there was a big drought in the boyfriend department, everything seemed alright as it was.

“I’ll put some music too.” Baekhyun said.

“Not Kpop again.” Kyungsoo said, grabbing the phone from his hands.

“Oh, come on. You like some songs.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. You like Twice.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I saw you watching TT. Don’t deny it.” Baekhyun said.

“Haha. Go ahead, put your music.” Kyungsoo said and poked his cheek, leaving a big, round mark behind.

At the end of April, Baekhyun found his newest guy target in the shape of a 32-year-old, coming quite regularly at the book shop to buy handfuls of historical novels each time. Bob seemed to like him too, considering he would leave his spot next to Baekhyun and follow the man around until the moment he would leave. Then, he would meow and stop only when fed.

“Hello.” the guy said, giving him a perfect view of his blinding white teeth.

“Hello. Found some new books?” Baekhyun asked just as Bob jumped on the chair.

“Yeah…Your cat is really cute.”

“It’s not mine, actually. He is a stray that lives here.”

The man laughed and Baekhyun grinned, forgetting about anything related to his job. Those teeth were too white to be true.

“Uhm…are you free this afternoon?” the other asked.

Baekhyun dropped one book on the floor and, on his way to pick it up, he hit his head on the counter. “Damn it!”

“Are you alright?”

“Sure.” he tried to smile. “I could replace it if you want.”

“It’s alright. Just write your phone number there so I can call you later.”

Baekhyun didn’t wait for another second, grabbing a pen and scribbling down, in the best handwriting he was capable of, his number and name.

“Here.”

“Great. Wait for my call. How much do these cost?”

“30$. Just 30$.” Baekhyun sighed.

He couldn’t think about anything else for the rest of the day, his mind always coming back to the stranger’s smile or the possible date that was making his heart jump out of his chest and fall to the ground. The excitement was so big, that he almost forgot to lock the door to the shop and take the right bus home. Everything seemed a little bit brighter, even school and the fact that right underneath their apartment complex, there was a bodega with too many drunk people loitering around.

“I have a date!” he shouted when he stepped inside the flat. “Did you hear me?! I have a date with the hottest guy ever! Kyungsoo…?”

But there was no trace of Kyungsoo even though it was 5 in the afternoon and Kyungsoo was always home at 5. That was one of those things that had never changed in the months he had known him.

And Kyungsoo was still not home.

“Maybe he’s hanging out with some friends.”

Cornel and Belle were both sleeping in a corner, both of their bowls filled to the brim with food. Baekhyun had fed them in the morning, but he didn’t remember putting so much food for them.

“That’s weird.”

He took a long shower that made his skin looking like a raisin’s, applied a consistent amount of body lotion that smelled like vanilla and spent 30 minutes deciding between a light blue shirt and a dark navy one.

“If Kyungsoo were here…” he whispered and shook his head. “He would have just said that I look stupid in both of them.”

And afterward the guy called, so he didn’t have any more time to think about Kyungsoo’s sudden disappearance. The car was right in front of his building- he couldn’t say he was that excited for the other to know that he was practically living in one of the cheapest places that he could barely afford.

“Hey…stupid question, but it just crossed my mind that I have no idea what your name is.” Baekhyun said.

“Kim Junmyeon. I know your name is Baekhyun.”

“How?”

“The name tag…from your job.” he laughed.

“Oh…I’m so dumb.”

“So…where do you want to go? Are you hungry?” Junmyeon asked.

“A little…”

“Food it is, then.”

Baekhyun looked behind at the bodega and their small balcony two floors above it, wondering for the last time that night "where in the hell Kyungsoo could be".

Junmyeon, as he found out later, liked expensive restaurants, not the middle of the road fast-foods, with cheap fries covered in ketchup.

The lobster in front of him looked like a monster, only because he had no idea how to eat it. On any other occasion, he would have used his fingers, but there, right in front of the guy he was trying to impress, he couldn’t.

“You can use your hands.” Junmyeon said, smiling.

“Oh…the thing is…”

“Just watch me and then you can do it.” he said, proceeding to break the tail from the body of the lobster, moving it from side to side until it fell off.

“Cool…”

“Yeah…you could try.”

Baekhyun stared at his lobster and said a quick prayer before he grabbed it with both hands and, forgetting about the slow movement from side to side, pulled the tail.

The result was all the juice flying in all directions, especially on his clean, navy shirt. Some drops landed all over his cheeks and lips, even on his hair.

“Oh…damn it, damn it, I’m such an idiot.”

“It’s alright. Let me do it for you.” Junmyeon said and, if Baekhyun had a mirror at that moment, he was certain that his face would have been redder than the lobster.

“Here…see?”

“Yeah, it looks easier than it really is. You know…I’ve never really been to a fancy restaurant, eating lobster…”

“You were funny, don’t worry. Nobody cares here whether you know how to eat lobster or not. The first time my father and I went to such a restaurant, he ordered lobster. I had never seen it before, and knowing my father, I was sure he wouldn’t tell me how to eat it. I’ve made such a mess all over the table and on my good clothes…now, when I think back on it, it was rather funny, especially my father’s expression when a piece of meat flew right in his face.” Junmyeon said, laughing. “Here. Bon appetite.”

“Thanks…well, then this is my first lobster experience.” Baekhyun said.

“Sure it is. With a little more patience you would have done it just right.”

They started eating, after Baekhyun cleaned his face and shirt with a napkin, trying to chew and use the fork and knife as slowly as possible.

“Sooo…” Baekhyun whispered, looking up at the other. “You know my job…what’s yours?”

“Oh…the big question.”

“Sorry, if you don’t want to you-“

“It’s alright. I work in my father’s company as an executive manager. Pretty boring stuff.”

“Way cooler than working in a book store if you ask me.”

“Well, you do have a pretty cool cat to keep you company.” Junmyeon said. “Do you like it?”

“Yes, it’s really good.”

And that was when out of any other better moments in time, his phone rang, loudly and every single eye in the restaurant focused on him.

“Sorry…” he whispered, glancing at the caller’s name.

Do Kyungsoo.

He sighed, closing it.

“If it is important…”

“No, it’s not. Just a friend.”

“Okay… Are you still in university, then?”

“First year, studying fine arts.” Baekhyun said.

“That sounds fascinating. So you are an artist, after all. I’m really curious to see some of your work sometime. If you want to, of course.”

“Oh…well, I’m not great so if you expect Leonardo Da Vinci talent, I don’t really have it.”

“I’m sure you are pretty talented in your own way.” Junmyeon said.

For some reason, Baekhyun didn’t expect Junmyeon to drive him back home and only give him a chaste, soft kiss on the lips like a goodbye. But that was better because he didn’t have the slightest desire to invite him over in the apartment.

Kyungsoo had called him a total of 12 times, plus 10 more messages, all written in caps. He didn’t read any of them, only dialed his number as he was scratching Cornel’s belly.

“I was on a date.” he said.

But Kyungsoo didn’t seem in the mood for chit-chat or casual discussions, because, after 1 minute of grumbling, mumbling, and occasional cursing, Baekhyun figured out that Kyungsoo was in the hospital, as a patient.

Which meant that at 11 at night, he was running towards the big, white building of the hospital, holding a bag filled with clothes and toiletries, as his lungs were threatening to give up on him.

His room was at the 7th floor, and, as a surprise, none of the elevators were working; that added 10 more minutes to his journey, which turned to be a grand total of one hour.

“For fuck’s sake, you look like death.” Baekhyun said as he walked inside the room that Kyungsoo was sharing with 3 other people.

“Quiet…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“What happened to you?” he asked.

“I…got hit by a car.”

“What?!”

“It’s nothing serious…just one broken leg…they’re keeping me here overnight and tomorrow I’m good to go.” Kyungsoo said.

“Why didn’t you call me earlier?”

“Because I was unconscious, you idiot.” Kyungsoo whispered.

Baekhyun sat down on the bed next to him, placing the bag on the small nightstand.

“And then you just closed your phone or something-“

“I was on a date.”

“I could have died.”

“How could I have known? Do you think I can read your mind or something? And don’t you have parents or something that can come and take care of you?”

“My parents are 30.000km away. So not really.” Kyungsoo said.

“Oh…well, at least you have me.” Baekhyun sighed. “Did you eat something?”

“Yeah…they gave me some soup.”

“Good. Okay…so from tomorrow you can only stay at home practically.”

“Speak quieter. The rest are trying to sleep.” Kyungsoo whispered. “But mainly.”

“Okay…and your job?”

“I called in…they don’t want to give me a paid holiday so…yeah.”

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun said.

Kyungsoo sighed, shaking his head.

“The rent and everything and…”

“It’s fine, we are fine. We’ll manage it, you know? It’s not your fault.” Baekhyun said.

Kyungsoo shifted a little more to the left, making more space for Baekhyun, who took his shoes off and crawled underneath the duvet, next to him.

“You know…I feel like in one of those movies…like ‘The fault in our stars’ or something…”

“I’m not dying.” Kyungsoo whispered.

“Internal bleeding?”

“Shut up and sleep. I need sleep.”

“Okay…” Baekhyun said, sighing. “Kyungsoo…?”

“What?”

“You’re soft.”

“Thanks…?”

“Where’s the broken leg?”

“It’s the left. And just shut up.”

Baekhyun wasn’t certain whether or not what he was doing was breaking some code of almost boyfriends or not quite. Because Junmyeon never said that he wanted to date him, but judging from the more than soft and sweet kiss, the way his fingers had been lying gently on the side of his face, he was almost certain that Junmyeon liked him.

And if Junmyeon liked him, then, liking him back meant excluding any sort of physical contact that would include sleeping in the same bed with his sick roommate. But it didn’t seem as wrong when the ‘sick’ part was included, and he knew-or hoped-that Kyungsoo needed human contact.

Kyungsoo was soft and warm, like a furnace, getting warmer and warmer with each passing second. His chest was rising slowly, and even though they were in a hospital, he still smelled like lavender. He also smelled like medicine, but not very strongly. He moved a little closer, placing his head on his shoulder and sighed again.

“You okay?” Kyungsoo whispered.

Baekhyun felt the other’s hand falter in the air for a couple of seconds before it laid right on his back, slowly moving it back and forth.

“Yeah…just thinking…”

“About?”

Baekhyun shrugged.

“Stuff. My life, our life…our jobs, my shitty artistic career. Junmyeon.”

“Who’s Junmyeon?”

“Uhm…the dude I went on a date with.”

The hand suddenly stopped from moving and soon after, it left his back.

“Is he going to be your boyfriend?” Kyungsoo asked.

“I hope so. He’s quite amazing and so sweet.” Baekhyun smiled.

“Oh…”

“Let’s sleep.” he whispered.

It was Kyungsoo’s turn to sigh and Baekhyun closed his eyes.

That had been-shockingly-one of the best night sleeps he had ever had in his life. Not getting food poisoning from lobster was also a plus in the morning, when everything seemed to be good with his stomach.

Kyungsoo was still asleep, eyes closed and hair all over the place on his forehead. It was the first time he had noticed how plump his lips were or the fact that his top one was slightly bigger, with a mole right on the edge of it, overlapping his bottom one.

“Why are you staring at me…?” Kyungsoo mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

“Sorry. I was meditating.”

“Does staring at my face bring you peace and joy or something?”

“Your face? Only makes me angry.” Baekhyun said, sitting up from the bed.

“How did you sleep?”

He shrugged, looking around.

“Decent to bad. You are too warm and take up too much space. You fat little sandwich.” Baekhyun said.

“I’m fat?!”

“A little. Squishy and soft.” he grinned. “Come on, princess. It’s time to go home and time for me to go to work.”

Baekhyun felt that something had changed again between them after that day; he wasn’t sure what, couldn’t point to what exactly shifted in their dynamic, but, the change was there, subtle but existent. He didn’t know whether or not they had broken some invisible barrier sleeping in the same bed or it was only Kyungsoo’s frustration over being dependent on him.

Junmyeon, on the other hand, was better than he had initially expected. He was the most attentive person he had ever met in his life. Walking on their 4 weeks of dating, they had yet to be more intimate than hugging and kissing goodbye. Baekhyun didn’t mind it, as, after the whole Chanyeol incident, he wasn’t so sure about his stance on sex.

Junmyeon was waiting for him in front of the apartment building, on a background of street noise and drunken men noise.

“Nice neighborhood.” he laughed.

“Yeah, best of the best.”

“Do you live alone in there?”

“I share the flat with a friend.” Baekhyun said. “Who was hit by a car on the day of our first date.”

“Is he alright?”

“One broken leg.”

“Oh…”

“It’s okay. He’s good. Hangs at home all day and takes care of my pets which is a plus.” Baekhyun grinned. “Where are we going?”

“Wherever you want.” Junmyeon said, holding his hand.

“People might see us.”

“There aren’t that many people around.” he said. “Let’s go for a stroll in that park. Looks nice enough.”

“Alrighty.”

‘What music do you like? I know…lame question.” Junmyeon laughed.

“Uhm…80’s music?”

That was Kyungsoo’s favorite but, as he still wanted to impress Junmyeon, he didn’t want to just blurt out all of his guilty pleasures.

“Me too. That’s cool. I went to a Depeche Mode concert once.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…it was pretty good, what can I say.”

Junmyeon’s fingers were slender and cold, feeling perfect over his too warm ones.

“I was thinking…you said you wanted to see my art and I think I’ve found a way that to happen.”

“Really?”

“I have an exhibition in a week at school. Not a willingly done one, but with grades…people will come, see the stuff, hopefully, buy some things…it’s going to be fun.” Baekhyun said.

“Then it’s set. I think your style is very interesting, like your personality.”

“Do you know Gustav Klimt? I would say it’s very Art-Nouveau-esque. I’m taking inspiration from it, actually. Mixing some other styles in there too, but mainly that.” he said.

“Actually, I’ve just drunk some coffee with him this morning and he was telling me how badly his back hurts because of standing up so much,” Junmyeon said.

They both burst into laughter.

When he arrived home, it was past 10 at night and the apartment was sunk into darkness and quietness. His footsteps were squeaky on the linoleum as he could clearly hear Belle snoring in her corner. The door to the bedroom was open.

“Are you asleep?”

“Yes.”

“No, you are not. What’s up with you?”

“Nothing…”

“Are you upset?” Baekhyun asked, sitting on the bed next to him.

“I wish I could turn around…” he whispered. “And my leg is itchy. And I’m sick of staying at home and doing nothing and having no money once again…”

“Did I say anything about you having no money?”

“No, that’s the problem. You must think about the fact that this month you’ve paid the rent mostly…and bought food and…”

Baekhyun sighed, standing up.

“In a couple of days, you’ll have it removed. Why do you fret about it? You’ll get a new job and then pay everything back or something.” he said. “It’s good it wasn’t worse or something.”

“Right.”

“Can you just tell me why you are like this?!”

Kyungsoo sighed.

“Can you come with me to the hospital to get the cast removed?”

“I’ll ask Junmyeon to drive us.”

“Oh, God, please…just call a taxi or something…”

“And pay 20$? No way.” Baekhyun said. “Plus, you need to meet my boyfriend, right?”

“I’m not that excited about meeting your rich and fancy boyfriend as you might think.”

“Don’t be an ass about it. He’s a really great guy.”

“Of course…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“What’s your problem with him?”

“Nothing, I have no problem with him.”

Baekhyun was certain right after that something was off between them once again, and not in their casual misunderstanding style that would end up being fixed with some laughter or kicks and total ignorance of a past fight.

Kyungsoo had never shown much discontent with his romantic or lack of romantic life. But out of a sudden, he appeared to.

So when Friday came, Baekhyun’s hands were sweating-actually, his entire body was sweating as he was trying to get Kyungsoo to the base floor and then straight into the car, without any incident that could endanger any other limbs.

Junmyeon hadn’t arrived yet, so he let Kyungsoo lean on him as they were waiting.

“It’s nice outside.” Baekhyun said.

“I’ve been searching for some part-time jobs.”

“Oh…and?”

“I made some calls and I already have an interview on Monday.” Kyungsoo said.

“That’s great.”

“Yeah…I guess. It’s in a supermarket.”

“Oh…”

That’s when Junmyeon’s car stopped in front of them and Junmyeon seemed brighter-in all senses-than usual.

“Hey! I’m Junmyeon and you must be Kyungsoo, the roommate.” he said with a smile.

“Exactly.”

“Now let’s get you in.”

Putting Kyungsoo on the backseat proved to be the easiest thing he had to do all day. Junmyeon looked impeccable, dressed in a white shirt with black slacks and his hair styled to the side. He even smelled great, like leather and coffee, which he assumed was because of some expensive perfume that was supposed to make you appear richer than you truly were.

“You smell great.” Baekhyun whispered. “And thanks for helping us.”

“No problem. I was done with work anyways and I wanted to see you…missed you.” he said, and squeezed his thigh.

“Missed you too.”

Baekhyun glanced in the rearview mirror, at Kyungsoo, sporting a big frown on his face.

The hospital was more crowded than expected, so instead of going straight to the doctor’s office, they had to wait 2 hours in front of one white door, with 10 other people, in similar conditions as Kyungsoo.

“I’m getting a coffee.” Junmyeon said, standing up.

“I’m coming with you.” Baekhyun said. “Are you okay wai-“

“I’m not a child. Go on.”

“Is he okay?” Junmyeon said when they were further away from Kyungsoo.

“He’s mainly frustrated and upset…you know…he’s been searching for a new job.”

“Oh, I wish I could help.”

“It’s alright.” Baekhyun smiled. “Can I…” he whispered, looking around. “Can I sleep at your place tonight?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay…then, we could get Kyungsoo home and afterward head to your place.” he said, leaning over on his arm.

“You are cute.”

“Am I?”

Junmyeon nodded, taking the coffee from the machine. “Too cute sometimes…”

Kyungsoo was still sitting on the chair when they returned; Baekhyun sat down next to him, tapping his fingers on the blue plastic. His heart was beating a little faster at the thought of spending the night with Junmyeon. He remembered the food poisoning from the year before and the bottom region pain he had been through for a while. But Junmyeon was different and his feelings were different too. Or he hoped so.

“Do Kyungsoo?” the nurse said.

“That’s him.” Baekhyun said, standing up. “Come on, let’s go in.” he continued, pulling him up, with Junmyeon on the other side.

“You should have bought him some crutches.” the nurse said, pursing her lips.

“Too expensive.” is what Kyungsoo answered, making Baekhyun burst into laughter. “Isn’t jumping good enough?”

It was the same doctor from the other time, who, after removing the cast, sent Kyungsoo straight for an x-ray which made the frown on his face appear even deeper. Baekhyun had to place, with a big blush on his face, a couple of bills in the pocket of the doctor as he walked out of the room.

“Baek…” Junmyeon whispered.

“It is okay. I can manage everything. Kyungsoo needs good care so I don’t mind spending some money on him.”

“Does he know about it?”

“What? He would be even worse if he knew about it.” Baekhyun laughed. “At home, he has a jar where I have to put money every time I break a rule made up by him. Not feeding the pets, not cleaning on Sunday, not doing grocery shopping.”

“How much does he have in there now?”

“Maybe 200$?”

Kyungsoo came back half an hour later, in a wheelchair and a less sour expression on his face.

“He is all good. For about a week, no strenuous activities, no scrubbing, rubbing, scratching at the leg, warm baths every night, gentle soap, maybe some...crutches if needed.” the doctor said, looking back from Kyungsoo to Baekhyun.

“Thank you, sir.”

Baekhyun pushed the wheelchair down the hallway, followed by Junmyeon, as none of them was saying anything. Outside, it was already dark, chilly, making all the hairs on his body raise. They helped Kyungsoo stand up, as a nurse took back the chair, and mostly hopping on one foot, they all reached the car.

“I’m starving.” Baekhyun said.

“We could stop do some grocery shopping. Maybe cook something?” Junmyeon said.

“Sounds great.”

Kyungsoo was quiet in the back and, for some reason, Baekhyun couldn’t find the strength to tell him that he would be all alone for the night, only with Belle and Cornel to keep him company. It wasn’t as if he felt obligated to stay with him, but, a part of himself kept whispering that what he wanted to do could wait for another time.

But it was too late.

The car stopped in front of the building. Kyungsoo insisted on walking on his own, with the occasional help from Baekhyun, who would hold him by the elbow.

“I’m good.” Kyungsoo mumbled.

“I know. Just making sure…”

Junmyeon was waiting outside, in the car.

“So…you are spending the night at his place, huh?”

“I was meaning to tell you about it sooner. It just came and…I think it’s time to be more intimate with him. He’s only been sweet and very patient.” Baekhyun said, opening the door.

Cornel came running towards them, barking from time to time, as he kept jumping all over his legs.

“Yeah, buddy, did you miss us?”

“You act like I’m about to get mad about it or something.” Kyungsoo said.

“I thought that maybe you’d want…I don’t know…to…”

“I’m good. I can take care of myself, thank you.”

“I know, it wasn’t to make you feel bad or-“

“Junmyeon is waiting. Grab a toothbrush and some clothes to change into.” Kyungsoo said, still jumping on one foot.

“Yeah, you’re right.” he whispered, looking around the apartment.

It was messier than usual, with clothes and random object scattered around, on the table, chairs and kitchen counter. The bedroom was no better.

He paced around, picking things and putting them down, exactly where he found them.

“Has melancholia hit you? Really, the dude is waiting for you.” Kyungsoo said, jumping around. “And I know it’s a mess, you are one heck of a messy person.”

“Okay, fine. Where are my pajamas?”

“Nightstand.” Kyungsoo sighed.

“Alright. Good. Alright.”

He grabbed them and then ran down the stairs, out in the street where Junmyeon was waiting for him.

“Sorry…I remembered I needed to take my toothbrush and some clothes with me.” he smiled. “I want to kiss you.” Baekhyun whispered.

“Home…” Junmyeon said. “I’m pretty sure those guys over there aren’t really in the mood to see some gay affection right in front of them.”

“And I’m really not in the mood to see their reaction.” Baekhyun laughed.

“So…let’s grab some groceries then and go home and cook something. I’m starving.”

“Me too…damn, my stomach is killing me. Also, I have a confession to make.”

Junmyeon looked at him, a slight frown on his face, as he stopped at a red light.

“I don’t know how to cook.”

The man laughed, staring straight ahead.

“I could teach you.”

“I’m unteachable. I can’t even hold a knife.”

“Oh, come on, you cannot be that terrible.”

As it proved later on when Baekhyun sliced his finger open and all the blood gushed out, right onto the vegetables on the plate, he was a lost cause. The vegetables looked cut with a hacksaw by someone blindfolded and, to top it off, they were covered in his own iron smelling juices.

“Okay, I’ll get some bandages then.” Junmyeon said.

Baekhyun sat down on his white, leather couch, glancing around the humongous living room and kitchen, practically pulled out from a fancy mansion catalog. He even felt bad for sitting down.

“Come on, hand me your finger.” Junmyeon said moments later. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing…just…” he breathed in and then, right out, in a long exhale. “It’s…your house is really, really, really nice.”

“Stop with that. It’s just a house.” the other said as he wrapped the bandages around the injured body part. “Done.”

“You deserve a reward.” Baekhyun said.

“What type of reward?”

“Whatever you want…” he whispered, as he began trailing his fingers up and down his thigh. “I could…” he continued, getting down to his knees.

“Baek…you don’t have to…”

“And what if I want to? You’ve only been kind and sweet to me, so I want to repay that…wouldn’t you like it?” he asked, looking at him as he was unzipping his pants.

To his relief and disappointment, Junmyeon was rather small in the department of penises. Which, wasn’t such a bad thing considering his prior experiences when a big one literally meant just a big pain in the throat and ass.

The second blow job experience was better than the first one; no food poisoning, no stomach grumbling. It was a nice, slow blow job, as Junmyeon was brushing the fingers through his hair from time to time, his moans barely audible.

“I’m…I’m going to come…” he whispered, and Baekhyun pulled back, finishing everything with his hand.

“Did you like it?” Baekhyun asked, sitting up next to him on the couch.

“Yeah…” he nodded and kissed him on the lips. “Do you want to…”

“It’s okay. That was my little gift for you.” he said, kissing him again, for longer than before.

Junmyeon’s hands were cold on his skin, but everything else was extremely warm, starting from his reddened lips.

“I’m still quite hungry…” Baekhyun laughed.

“Me too…”

Baekhyun managed to sleep quite well with Junmyeon, even though, as he discovered late at night, Junmyeon was a snorer. He didn’t have the courage yet to kick him, so, instead, he just put one side of the pillow over his head, closed his eyes and counted sheep until he had fallen back asleep.

Saturday meant grocery shopping back at his flat and even though a part of him was almost yelling to go back home and help Kyungsoo around, the other part took control.

He watched Junmyeon make breakfast-chocolate pancakes and latte-macchiato that tasted better than every other coffee that he had ever drunk; with enough foam and creaminess, but strong enough to wake him up. The kitchen smelled like chocolate and coffee afterward, even his clothes.

“Tastes amazing.” he said, chewing on a pancake.

“Yeah, I’m glad. I haven’t made them in a while.”

“Well, they are the best I’ve ever eaten so…”

“You really know how to make me flustered and happy, don’t you?” Junmyeon smiled.

“Do I?”

Instead of answering, he kissed Baekhyun straight on the lips and then right on his pink cheek.

The rest of the day was spent in the same manner, inside the house, without any disturbances, cuddled on the couch underneath a blanket; whenever they weren’t eating or watching TV, they were kissing, kisses which were rapidly turning into make-out sessions which were ending with one, or both of them naked on the couch.

“I think…” Baekhyun said, tracing his fingers over the other’s chest. “I should go home…”

“Why…?”

“Because…” he whispered. “I should check on Belle and Cornel…and my roommate.”

“Okay…but…” Junmyeon smiled, brushing away a couple of strands of hair from Baekhyun’s forehead. “You owe me.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You’re way too cute for me to get angry at you.”

“I know you can’t…” he said and kissed him on the lips.

Junmyeon insisted on paying for his taxi ride back to his flat and Baekhyun wasn’t that determined on refusing it after all.

The apartment was much cleaner than when he had left it, close to being spotless. It smelled like Kyungsoo’s lemon concoction, tomato sauce, and herbs. Both Belle and Cornel were standing in her dark corner, not even bothering to come to greet him when he entered.

“I’m home!” he shouted.

“I heard.” Kyungsoo said. “I’ve used some of the money from the jar to buy them food…”

“Oh, damn it, damn it! I’m such an idiot.” Baekhyun said, taking his shoes off. “Damn it. Sorry, I just…”

“It’s fine…it’s your money after all. How was at Junmyeon’s?”

“Oh, great. His house is so big and fancy, you wouldn’t even believe it. Why is that all the guys I like are rich? Maybe I’m just a rich guy magnet. I’m irresistible.” he laughed. “What did you cook?”

Baekhyun took off the lead from one of the pots on the stove: pasta.

“Smells divine.”

“Thanks. Anyways…I cleaned a little around.” Kyungsoo said.

“Can I eat?” Baekhyun asked, but didn’t wait for an answer as he grabbed a fork and the first bite was down in his stomach after 5 seconds.

“Left it for you anyways…”

“So good, this is so damn good.” Baekhyun mumbled as she kept on shoving the pasta into his mouth without stopping.

“You…are hungry.”

“After all that sex, you bet that I am.” he said.

“Well, enjoy then.” Kyungsoo said and when Baekhyun looked back, the room was empty.

Baekhyun’s stomach made another twist and turn, and not because he was getting sick once again. He knew who was responsible for all of it but instead, he chose to only think about the food and how great Junmyeon really was. Because, after all, he was without a doubt, the best boyfriend he had ever had- in his short list of boyfriends.

When he walked inside their shared bedroom, he realized that the entire space was changed, as both desks were facing towards the big window and the beds were placed in a way that each one was on one side of the wall. In between, there was their thrifted closet, with the nightstand where there was some space.

“Looks nicer.” he said. “And thanks for the food.”

“No problem.”

“Uhm…I have a stupid question.”

“Shoot.”

“Are we…alright?”

“What do you mean?” Kyungsoo asked, glancing at him.

“I mean…are you mad, are you…I don’t know, did I do anything wrong?”

“No.” he laughed, putting the book down. “Tired…stressed, you know, the whole deal. It’s not because of you.”

“Well…your chipmunk kind of missed arguing and talking with his penguin.”

“Since when I’m the penguin?” Kyungsoo asked, smiling.

“Since today.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Really.” Baekhyun said right when Kyungsoo threw a pillow towards him. “So you want to play dirty, don’t you?!”

“Careful at the leg, careful at the leg!” Kyungsoo started shouting.

But Baekhyun already took the two pillows from his bed; one was thrown towards him and with the other, he started beating every unprotected centimeter of his body.

“Admit that you are a penguin.”

“Never!” Kyungsoo yelled, his fists missing by a couple of centimeters Baekhyun’s stomach.

“You are a penguin and I’m a chipmunk.”

“You are a chipmunk but I’ll never be a penguin.” he said, that time hitting Baekhyun in the leg.

He dropped the pillow on the floor but took the other one discarded on the bed.

“You are my penguin! Admit it!”

“ALRIGHT! I’M YOUR PENGUIN!”

“Good.” Baekhyun whispered, sitting down next to him.

“Chipmunk.” Kyungsoo laughed, poking his cheek.

“Have you found a different job offer?”

“Not really.”

“It’s going to be alright.” Baekhyun said. “Plus, you must come to my stupid exhibition on Tuesday.”

“Are you really doing that?”

“Do I have a choice? 5 shitty paintings that should compete against Jongdae’s. I’m screwed.” he whispered, lying down next to him.

“They are not that bad…”

“What does the objective critic inside of you say?”

Kyungsoo sighed, staring at the ceiling.

“They are sub-par.”

“Mediocre is the word you want to use.”

“Baek…”

“I’ve invited Junmyeon…I need to impress him, not prove what a failure I am.”

“Your paintings are fine. You had a rough period.” Kyungsoo said.

“Rough year. Rough life. Whatever.” he said. “Won’t you showcase your art…sooner or later? The semester is almost over and you have some really good pieces…”

“Maybe…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“I can help…”

“Thanks.”

Baekhyun pulled the blanket over himself, reaching almost his chin. Kyungsoo was once again warm, lying unmoved close to him.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to sleep.” he said.

“With the lights on and on my bed?” Kyungsoo asked, standing up with the help of a broomstick.

“Are those your crutches?”

“Shut up and go to your own bed.”

“I’m good here.” Baekhyun yawned, turning on his side.

Cornel ran straight inside the room when Kyungsoo was preparing to turn off the lights. He jumped on the bed and snuggled right beneath his chin, giving it a lick.

“Hey, bud. You didn’t want to sleep alone, did you?”

“Baek…I’m not kidding. Go to your own bed.” Kyungsoo said.

It was dark inside, but he could clearly hear the faint sound of the stick on the floor, his feet sticking to the linoleum; the ruffle of the sheets and the bed denting from Kyungsoo’s weight.

“Good night.” Baekhyun said.

Kyungsoo sighed and the stick slid down, to the floor.

“Why are you like this?”

“I need human contact from time to time.” he said, yawning again.

There was another sigh and Baekhyun wanted to turn around, but he didn’t. He fell asleep in a matter of minutes and woke up when it was still dark inside the room; something warm and hard was pressed against his back. An arm was wrapped around his middle and in that silence, he could hear their breaths; his chest rising and falling in a constant rhythm, while over his neck, warm air was brushing his stray hairs every couple of seconds.

He didn’t move, even though every centimeter of his body was itching to do so. The arm shifted, sliding lower on his abdomen. Cornel whined in his sleep, waggling his tail against his legs, and then moved closer to his chest. It made him smile.

When morning came, Kyungsoo was no longer next to him; his spot was cold, still dented as the sheets were ruffled. The dog was sleeping on his pillow, softly snoring and kicking an imaginary object with his right paw.

“Morning.” he mumbled as he walked inside the kitchen, barefoot.

“I’m going grocery shopping, the fridge is almost empty, you know?” Kyungsoo said.

“With that leg? I thought you went yesterday.”

“I cleaned. And I’m fine, it’s fine. No need to baby me.”

“I could come to help you.” Baekhyun said, brushing his fingers through his hair while letting out a big yawn.

He suddenly remembered the night before, how warm and safe he had felt; and then the coldness that followed in the morning.

“Did you feed-“

“I fed Belle and I put some food out for Cornel too.” Kyungsoo said.

“Okay…so, do you want me to go shopping with you?”

“Then hurry.”

“Alright, alright!” he yelled, shutting the door to the bedroom.

Baekhyun stared again at the bed, trying to make out the contours of their bodies on the white sheets; it smelled quite terrible inside, so he opened the window, taking a big breath of air.

“You are fine, you are fine, you are just fine.”

He pulled a pair of baggy jeans and an oversized t-shirt out of the closet, put them on, without bothering to fold the discarded ones. Kyungsoo was waiting for him in front of the entrance door, with his shoes and a grey hoodie already on.

“Did you brush your teeth?”

“No, mom. You said I needed to hurry.”

“Well, I don’t want to smell your bad morning breath.” Kyungsoo said, scrunching his nose.

“FINE!”

“That was quick.” Kyungsoo said seconds later, when Baekhyun walked out of the bathroom, smelling also of spicy cologne.

“Of course I was.”

Grocery shopping was one of Baekhyun’s least favorite activities, but one he was obliged to do from time to time, only because he felt sorry for Kyungsoo and his still not very functional leg. It took them twice the time to get to the small store that usually didn’t have everything that Kyungsoo would want, but which was close and cheap enough to mostly shut his mouth. Baekhyun tried a couple of times to hold his arm, but he would be pushed away each time, as Kyungsoo grumbled something unintelligible.

That was one of Kyungsoo’s usual moods, appearing and going away just as quickly. Baekhyun carried the food basket all throughout the store and the plastic bags all the way to the apartment. Kyungsoo didn’t say anything about it.

“Did you take the money from the jar for this?” Baekhyun asked.

“Well, do you have more money?”

“Not really.”

“Thought so. Plus, hopefully from Wednesday, I’ll start work so we’ll be back on track again.” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun took everything from the bags and placed them in the fridge.

“You don’t put that there.” Kyungsoo said.

“We’ll eat it anyways.”

“But until you eat it…do you really want to pay for a new fridge?” he asked.

“I swear you are so annoying sometimes. Put them yourself.” Baekhyun said, taking a couple of steps back.

“Fine.” Kyungsoo said, rolling his eyes.

“How did you sleep last night?”

“Fine.” he shrugged.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Okay…”

Baekhyun stared at his fingernails, feeling again that something was odd between them; it kept bugging him that, after all, he should have slept in his own bed and avoid the entire mess that followed in the morning. Kyungsoo didn’t want to talk about it, or even worse, he had no recollection of the previous night so, after all, why was he dwelling so much on it?

“Done.” Kyungsoo said. “See, that’s how you do it.”

“I’m going over to Junmyeon’s, okay? I’ll be home late.” Baekhyun said.

But he didn’t go straight to Junmyeon’s, only much later.

He did the way to his university building on foot, getting there after only one hour and a half when the sun was already high on the sky; it didn’t seem to be just April, but the middle of summer, as the heat was rising up from the asphalt.

The building was empty, as well as the studio that he was sharing with Chanyeol and other three people. Jongdae was one of them, the only person in the world he felt envious of. And not because he was richer or more handsome, but because his art was something he could see in a museum, a fancy exhibition where people would pay a lot of money for a piece.

He stopped in front of his latest painting, done in gouache. Then, he looked at his own, sitting in a corner of the room, still unfinished. Some lines were too thick, others too wiggly and squiggly, ruining whatever effect he was trying to convey. It didn’t look Art Nouveau, it just looked bad.

Baekhyun sat down, in the middle of the floor, grabbing a piece of paper and a pencil. He traced a line in the middle of the paper and then a circle right through it.

“I thought I was the only one here!”

“Heeey…” Baekhyun said.

“Excited for the exhibition?” Jongdae asked, sitting down next to him.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Can’t wait to see what people think about them. Maybe I’ll sell some too.” he said.

“They look really good…” Baekhyun said.

“I know, right? I’m amazed at how well everything turned out.” he laughed. “Yours look good too.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyways, can’t believe this year is almost over.”

“Yeah…me neither.” Baekhyun sighed. “I…have a question. More of a personal one.”

“Okay…I’m not good with that stuff, though. But, anyways.”

“So…you are in a relationship with someone who you like and likes you back. Everything is nice and perfect until you start to think that maybe, maybe, there’s a slight chance you like your roommate who you don’t really get along with. What do you do?”

“Nothing. What’s the point in ruining something good for something that will probably never work out?” Jongdae shrugged.

“That’s what I thought.” Baekhyun said. “Thanks. I should go.”

“That quickly? I thought you are going to paint something?”

“Not in the mood. Bye.”

He really hoped Junmyeon was home and not out of the house or at work until a late hour. But thankfully, he opened the door from the first knock, wearing only a fluffy towel around his waist.

“Look who’s here.” he laughed.

Baekhyun didn’t let him say anything else because he wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him. Junmyeon pulled him inside, closing the door just when his towel fell to the floor.

“Easy…what’s up with you?”

“Nothing…just missed you.” Baekhyun whispered, moving down to his neck, leaving small kisses on every inch of skin, stopping right near his clavicles.

Junmyeon laughed again, stepping back towards the white leather couch.

“Babe…” the man whispered, pushing him down. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah…” Baekhyun nodded and then bit down on his lower lip. “Could you be rougher with me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I…” he whispered. “Pull my hair…maybe spank me?”

“Oh…have you done that before?” Junmyeon asked, still hovering over him but Baekhyun knew he had fucked it up.

He could feel the other’s muscles tensing underneath his touch, the drops of sweat trickling down all over his temples. Even his cheeks were pinker than usual, as Junmyeon kept chewing his bottom lip, avoiding his gaze.

“Not really…you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I don’t even know whether or not I like it.”

“Uhm…okay, we could try if you want.”

“It’s okay. We don’t have to. It was just a dumb idea that crossed my mind.”

But Baekhyun was certain it wasn’t just one of his dumb ideas that he would forget about in a couple of seconds. Because even though sex with him, just the way it was, had always been quite enjoyable and not a horrible week-long pain-inducing, for some reason, he still craved some pain after all.

He left home when it was almost 10 at night, still feeling guilty for some reason. The street was empty, only cars and some buses passing from time to time. In front of the apartment building, people were crowded outside the bodega, seemingly all drunk and shouting. He ran up the stairs, unlocked the door and then closed it as he let out a deep exhale.

“I’m home!” he shouted.

Once again, it smelled like cooked food, sweet and savory at the same time; then lemon and men’s cologne as he got closer to the door of their bedroom.

Kyungsoo was sitting in bed, drawing. Cornel and Belle were all over the duvet, sleeping.

“Hi.”

“I might do the exhibition next week.” Kyungsoo said.

“Cool. I can help, of course, if you come to mine on Tuesday. I’m peeing myself of fear and embarrassment.”

“It’s going to be alright.”

“Not when you have to compete against Jongdae, trust me.” Baekhyun said. “I’m taking a shower.”

“Okay.”

Baekhyun turned the water on the hottest setting, feeling it burn his skin; but he didn’t move or make it more bearable. The tiles had fogged up and their Winnie the Pooh curtain was covered in big water drops.

“Can I come in?! I’m peeing myself!” he heard Kyungsoo shout from the other side of the door.

“Okay!”

The door opened with a creak and then closed; the sound of the zipper was too loud as Baekhyun tried to focus on the burning sensation all over his skin.

“It’s very hot in here.” Kyungsoo said.

“I like hot water.”

“No, you don’t. Are you planning on boiling a lobster in there or what?”

“No…”

“Come on, it’s been 10 minutes. Don’t waste that much water.”

“Then get out of the bathroom, would you?” Baekhyun said.

The door closed with a thud and he turned off the faucet. His skin was bright red, as well as his cheeks and wherever he placed his fingers, it stung.

“You do look like a lobster!” Kyungsoo laughed.

“Shut up.”

“You alright? Your skin is very, very red.”

“I’m fine.” Baekhyun said, switching the lights off.

He crawled underneath the duvet. It was all too warm.

“Chipmunk…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“What?!”

“Are you alright?”

“Yes-no, I don’t know. I’m scared…”

“Why?”

“I don’t know…maybe being an artist or whatever is not for me…”

The sheets crinkled and then, he felt his own bed move as Kyungsoo sat down next to him; he jumped in surprise but relaxed as the other pulled the blanket over their bodies.

“You are a good artist…” Kyungsoo whispered. “And you’re too hard on yourself…your art isn’t supposed to be amazing just like that, out of the blue, you know. You’re doing just fine.”

“Thanks.” Baekhyun smiled.

“Any time.” he said and moved to stand up, but Baekhyun grabbed his wrist and pulled him down. “Baek…”

Baekhyun pouted, thinking that if that had always been all that Junmyeon needed to do whatever he wanted, then it could work on Kyungsoo too.

Kyungsoo stilled until he laid down next to him, sighing. “Is Junmyeon okay with this?”

“With what?”

“Us sleeping in the same bed…”

“Should I tell him? He’s going to panic. He even panicked today when I asked him to be rougher.” Baekhyun said.

“Oh…so you like it rough?”

“I don’t know…that’s why I was willing to try it. Until he got upset or something, so I had to be really sweet and cute and what not to get him out of that mood.”

“So he likes when you act cute, then.” Kyungsoo said.

“You think so?”

“I guess…maybe he has a kink with that.”

“Oh…what kinks do you have?” Baekhyun asked, beginning to blush. “If you have any…”

Kyungsoo laughed, shifting closer to him.

“Uhm…I don’t know…maybe being bitten down my thighs-oh, damn, what am I saying?”

“It’s okay…I won’t laugh. This is our pillow talk or something.” Baekhyun said, looking down at his face.

“Yeah…uhm, as I said, biting…I’m sensitive on my thighs and…” he laughed again, short and breathy, “my nipples. I like to have them-“ he giggled once more, hiding his face into Baekhyun’s pillow, “being licked, sucked on hard, bit.”

“Oh…” Baekhyun whispered, gulping down.

“You?”

“Maybe…I’m not sure…I can’t try much with him, you know? He likes it sweet and slow and soft…I hate it when he calls me baby... It makes me laugh.”

“Then how would you like to be called?” Kyungsoo asked.

Baekhyun hummed, staring down at his lips, focusing on the bottom one that he was biting and chewing from time to time.

“I think I just want to be dominated, being told what to do…”

“Huh…”

“I’m not sure…”

Kyungsoo coughed out of the sudden. “I think we should go to sleep. Tomorrow I have that damn interview.”

“And you’ll smash it!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” he laughed.

In the morning, the bed was once again empty and, opposite to the day before, Kyungsoo was no longer home. Baekhyun felt more relieved about that, a part of him regretting the discussion from the night before. But he had other things to think about, as the exhibition was in one day and he had yet to arrange anything in the hall where it was to take place.

Tuesday arrived like a hurricane, with a big, pounding headache right from the brains of the morning and his stomach grumbling up until he arrived at school, without having eaten anything. Junmyeon was supposed to get there by mid-afternoon, whereas Kyungsoo came with him.

“I think I might puke.” he whispered as they were walking on the hallways.

“Just breathe deeply and don’t think about anything negative. Just good, positive thoughts.” Kyungsoo said.

“Since when are you the positive one?”

“I have to be since you’ve been a pack of nerves the entire day.”

There were already people inside of the building were all their paintings were exhibited; not only Jongdae’s and his, but also art from other 150 students, all in the first year.

“It looks so bad.”

“It doesn’t.”

“What will Junmyeon think if he sees me like this?” Baekhyun asked. “I’m a mess. And the teachers will look at everything and grade and critique in front of everyone. Damn…I shouldn’t have invited him.”

“You’ll be fine.” Kyungsoo sighed. “I like them. They are weird, different.”

“Look at Jongdae’s. They are…”

“Unoriginal. Bland. They have no soul in them. Yours have plenty and that’s what matters.” Kyungsoo said, looking at him.

Out of the blue, he felt Kyungsoo’s hand cover his and then, their fingers were slowly intertwining. The other gave them a squeeze before he let go. It left Baekhyun feeling warm and pink in the cheeks.

Junmyeon came earlier than expected, exactly when the 3 teachers he hated the most were approaching his corner. All eyes were on his pieces and Baekhyun would have dug a hole in the floor and jumped right inside of it. His stomach grumbled again as he started trembling.

“Babe…” Junmyeon said. “Did I come on time?”

“Yeah, perfectly. They will do the critique and give me the grades and then people can look at them, buy some if they want.” Baekhyun said, trying to breathe as deeply and slowly as possible.

“I think they look really cool.” Junmyeon said. “Is that supposed to represent death?” he asked.

“Yes. And that is life. It’s a diptych. And those other are triptychs, symbolizing the human condition, from birth to death. The solitude of death and life, in a series of events.” he said.

Baekhyun looked around the room, his eyes meeting Kyungsoo’s. They both smiled and he took another deep breath in.

The exhibition had passed quicker than he had hoped; his grades weren’t extraordinary, the techniques used being criticized until he had felt like leaving the room. But his ideas were appreciated and even though he hadn’t sold anything, at the end of it, he had felt lighter.

Junmyeon hadn’t seemed embarrassed and even offered to buy something. Only Kyungsoo had disappeared right after the critique had ended.

And then the summer break came; Baekhyun took the library job for three months as a full time one while Kyungsoo told him, quite out of the blue, the next day after his own exhibition, that he was spending those three months back home, in South Korea.

Junmyeon drove them the morning of his departure to the airport.

“Uhm…I’ll send the payment for the rent through bank transfer, okay?” Kyungsoo said.

“Yeah…okay…”

“God, what a line.” Junmyeon said. “Luckily, we’re early.”

Baekhyun sighed, looking outside the window. He wondered whether or not it was his fault for Kyungsoo’s sudden leave.

“Could you turn on the radio?” Baekhyun said.

“Sure.”

It was still dark outside, chilly almost, but the street was filled with cars. The lights of the airport building were right before them, bright and almost headache inducing. He placed his head on the window and closed his eyes, hoping he was just still dreaming and Kyungsoo was not actually leaving for that long.

But when he watched him disappear between dozens of people carrying their colorful luggage in the airport, for the first time that year, he felt lost; lost and scared, because for the entire year, he had always had Kyungsoo right there.

“I’m starving.” Junmyeon said.


	2. year two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) baekhyun and kyungsoo are extremely stubborn  
> (2) i can't write decent smut to save my life, so i'm sorry in advance  
> (3) if this chapter seems angstier that's because i had the shittiest week in a while; exams and certain people have turned me into a mess. oh, also wanting a scholarship but probably never getting it, yay:D
> 
> hope you'll enjoy:)

 

Baekhyun turned around on the bed; his nose bumped into Cornel’s fur, slightly wet and rough to the touch.

“Damn…you need a bath.”

He stood up, yawning and stretching at the same time, when he heard the entrance door open with its usual creak that resembled a bad ghost imitation from a cheap horror movie.

“Who is it?!” Baekhyun yelled, stepping closer to the door of the bedroom.

“Guess…”

“Kyungsoo!”

And it was actually Kyungsoo, in flesh and bone, with the same grey suitcase next to him, wearing his old hoodie and a pair of sweat pants. Baekhyun was grinning, staring at him from the doorway, and Kyungsoo coughed, once, twice until the reverie was broken.

“Have I petrified you?”

“Weren’t you supposed to come in September?”

“Change of plans. Don’t say you are upset to see me so soon,” Kyungsoo said, taking his shoes off.

“I’m not! Just surprised. I can’t believe you are here again…”            

“Yeah…me neither,” Kyungsoo whispered, glancing around; his eyes looked even bigger behind the thick brown frames and his lips pinker than usual.

Cornel ran out of the bedroom, jumping right on his legs, barking and splattering saliva everywhere.

“Hey, boy! You grew up, no joke,” he laughed, sitting down to brush his fingers all over his fur.

“He stinks.”

“The entire apartment…stinks.”

“Oh…”

“You…stink,” Kyungsoo said, scrunching his nose.

Baekhyun giggled, muffling it with both of his hands, but it was too late because Kyungsoo frowned, pursing his lips and walking past him, towards the fridge.

“Oh, God. This…” he waved his hand around his face, “stinks too. You have moldy bread, for fuck’s sake. And moldy tomatoes and cheese…since when do you have them in the fridge?”

Kyungsoo turned around, staring at him with an expression Baekhyun had long understood to take it for what it really was: incoming termination in 5 seconds.

“I…had a little mental breakdown…uhm…1 month ago. Right one month ago,” he said.

“Aaaand…”

“And I couldn’t really be bothered to try to make food or clean anything…so I ate those 2$ fries…almost every single day. Breakfast and lunch. No dinner.”

“Are you crazy?!” Kyungsoo almost shouted, closing the fridge with a thud that made the cupboard above tremble. “What…small mental breakdown? This place is worse than a dumpster. Is that your dirty underwear on the table?”

“Yes and…you know how I’ve been telling you what a total sweetheart Junmyeon is?”

“Yes…?”

“Well…” Baekhyun whispered, chewing his lower lip as he stared at the floor, “he was married. With one kid. I…found out…last month. So that was my mini mental breakdown,” he smiled.

“I’m…”

“I should have seen it coming. Anyway. You’re back.”

“Baek…” Kyungsoo said, coming closer to him. “I’d hug you…but you really do stink.”

Baekhyun shrugged, looking around.

If he were to be honest with himself -which he wasn’t, because every new, dangerous thought was pushed to the back of his mind- Kyungsoo coming back earlier was the best thing that had happened to him in recent days; even months.

He wasn’t sure how the last 30 days had passed, as his life had been sliced between work, home and some occasional drunken hookups. And then, halfway through the month, the washing machine had simply stopped functioning, so doing laundry wasn’t even a viable option anymore. Thus the stinking.

“Uhm…” Kyungsoo whispered. “So…tomorrow we really need to do some cleaning and shopping and…cooking and…”

“Your bed is pretty clean, Baekhyun said.

“Oh…”

“Missed you.”

It took them longer than one day to reorganize and disinfect the entire apartment. The whole operation spread across 3 days, the third being dedicated to cooking, ironing and washing Belle and Cornel.

“This is the first time you’ve washed them?” Kyungsoo asked.

In front of him there was a big basin filled with warm, soapy water and in his hands, struggling for its own metaphorical life, was Belle. After dozens of scratches, curses, more meows than he would have liked to hear in his entire life, the cat was inside the basin, wet and from the look on her face, pissed off.

“Fuck!” Kyungsoo said when she tried again to jump out. “Hold her while I make some foam.”

“She wants to bite me.”

“You’re such an idiot,” he whispered.

“Heard you.”

“Can’t believe what happens when I leave you alone for 2 months. I’m shocked the place hasn’t burned down.”

“Shut up…” Baekhyun rolled his eyes and, suddenly, Belle dug her small teeth in his thumb. “FUCK! I’M BLEEDING!”

“Would you shut up?! Look at my freaking arms…” Kyungsoo said.

As it proved much later, Cornel was an obedient soul. He jumped straight in the basin, splashed water everywhere, but didn’t move or bark while Kyungsoo washed his fur. It was all done in 15 minutes and the water was a deep shade of brown in the end.

“I’m going to kill that cat,” he whispered in bed as he was rubbing cream all over the scratches.

“She’s-“

“She bit you,” Kyungsoo said, looking at Baekhyun.

“Belle was only scared. You were very rough with her.”

“Rough?! With the evil spawn?”

“Stop it…” Baekhyun mumbled, pressing his face into the pillow; it finally smelled clean, like laundry detergent and a tinge of lemon, not sweat and ruined dreams.

He stood up, switched the lights off and instead of returning to his own bed, sat down on Kyungsoo’s.

“What are you doing?”

“Making up for the time you practically abandoned me. Let’s make a promise.”

Kyungsoo huffed and Baekhyun could feel all the blood gather in his cheeks.

“Hear me out. Let’s just promise that we will never leave each other alone like that…abandon each other. You know, it’s…” he whispered.

“That’s a freaking big promise…’

“Just…just say you’ll try to at least be around, not 30000km away, okay?” Baekhyun whispered, shifting closer to him.

He stilled for a couple of seconds, almost expecting Kyungsoo to push him away, but he didn’t; so, he placed his head on the other’s chest, waiting for anything that would tell him he shouldn’t do it.  

“Okay…” Kyungsoo said. “I’ll try to always be by your side. Happy?”

“Yeah,…it’s decent.”

As every other time, Kyungsoo was warm, almost too much; every fiber in his body was tense, vibrating at each breath, being so close to him. Up until then, he hadn’t realized it, but being in Kyungsoo’s proximity had always been sending small, tingling volts through his body. He felt sleepy and calm, comfortable.

“Are you asleep?” Kyungsoo whispered.

“Almost…”

“Okay…”

“Baek…”

“Huh?” Baekhyun whispered, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

Kyungsoo shivered, feeling the slightly cold air on his warm skin, his nose digging right beneath his ear. Then, everything in his body stopped when he felt the other’s lips kiss the side of his jaw and then retreat.

“’Night…” Baekhyun whispered.

When morning came, the Kyungsoo’s spot was empty and cold; noise was coming from the kitchen, Belle meowing, paws scratching the brown linoleum. Baekhyun yawned, stretching his body as the sun was filtered by the blinds.

He put a blanket over his shoulders, dragging his feet on the floor until he reached the kitchen.

“Morning!”

“Made pancakes.” Kyungsoo said.

Sitting at the table, with a book in his hand and a coffee right in front of him, it didn’t seem like he had ever left for 2 months. For some reason, it felt like that had been the only real thing of those months, Kyungsoo reading his book and the kitchen smelling of vanilla extract and coffee.

“I have a question.”

“Huh…” Baekhyun mumbled, hallway through the first pancakes. “These are…omg.”

“How did you find out that…Junmyeon was married?”

“Oh,” he said, putting the rest of the pancake down on the plate. “Well…” Baekhyun continued, sitting down, “I went one morning to his place without calling him before. Knocked on the door, waited, when a blonde woman opened. I thought I got the wrong house but then Junmyeon appeared holding a kind that looked just like him…and I just knew it…”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s fine…anyway, he called multiple times and I answered once. He told me that when we first got together they were separated or something…doesn’t matter,” Baekhyun shrugged.

“He seemed…nice.”

“And a freaking cheater. I helped him cheat.”

“Baek…”

“Should have figured out that I was just for fun.”

“Chipmunk.” Kyungsoo smiled, pinching his cheek. “Eat. And then let’s go watch a movie with what’s left in the jar.”

Baekhyun nodded as Kyungsoo continued drinking his coffee and reading the book about “Renaissance Art”. Cornel came out of the bedroom, barking which meant that it was time to feed him and then go on a walk with him around the neighborhood to chase squirrels and pee on every tree he saw.

“I’ll walk Cornel and you can change and wash…” Kyungsoo said.

“Okay…” Baekhyun smiled.

It appeared like Kyungsoo had been all along the missing piece of his puzzle; as soon at the piece returned to its usual place, everything else disappeared; from his heartache and accumulated frustration to anything in between.

Even his pets were happier and less stinky.

Kyungsoo was there, and every time he looked at him, he could feel his heart beat a little faster than usual, his cheeks blush more than they should. For some reason, what would have annoyed him about Kyungsoo before, was not such a hustle anymore.

He liked cleaning and shopping, not because he enjoyed them, but because it meant spending more time with Kyungsoo. Whatever he was doing, his mind was going back to Kyungsoo, things he would like, jokes he would laugh at; his smile and chewed fingers, the mole on his upper lip.

The cinema was crowded that day; the only available tickets were for a low budget horror movie and a chick-flick.

“Horror movie,” Kyungsoo said.

“No way in hell. Nope.”

“Don’t tell me you are scared.” he laughed.

“They give me nightmares, alright? Really bad ones. Romantic comedy it is, then.”

“I hate them.”

“Well, I hate horror movies,” Baekhyun said, crossing the arms over his chest.

“People will think we are a couple or something if we choose the romantic comedy. It’s embarrassing,” Kyungsoo said as he rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Okay. You know what?! I don’t want to see either of them, not with you at least, so go watch whatever you want all alone,” Baekhyun said. “So that people won’t think that we are a stupid couple or something.”

Why was he so hurt about his words? After all, he wasn’t even sure that they were friends-friends, or only roommates that were getting along better than in the beginning.

“Okay. Fine. I’ll watch it alone.” Kyungsoo shouted as Baekhyun was already rushing towards the exit.

He left the cinema feeling stupid and betrayed. All the strange joy and exhilaration from the morning had seeped out of his body, leaving him as tired and disgusted as in the past month.

It then came another period of almost one month of total silence, that time, unbroken by not a single word.

Baekhyun was spending most of his time either at school or at work, making the book store job full time during the weekend. He didn’t know how Kyungsoo was filling his time, but, he (tried to tell himself that) didn’t care.

Cleaning and shopping days were off the list as the fridge, unknowingly at first, was split: first two shelves were Baekhyun’s, as the last two ones Kyungsoo’s. Baekhyun started eating once again 2$ fries or sometimes, a full menu from a fast-food restaurant. He didn’t want or really know how to cook anything else than boiled eggs and asking the other was not an option anymore.

Until it became one again.

“Here. Eat.” Kyungsoo said one day, placing a plate of steaming pasta on the table, right in front of Baekhyun.

“I’m fine…”

“You eat only crap. Come on...” he sighed, sitting down next to him.

“Thanks…”

Kyungsoo smiled, watching him eat in silence, their gazes intersecting from time to time.

“Saw one of your paintings the other day.” Kyungsoo said.

“Which one?”

“The Klimt reproduction.”

“Oh…the colors are kind of off,” Baekhyun said, placing the plate in the sink.

“Looks nice though.”

“Of course…I’ve practically copied his work, name it a study and that is that.” he shrugged. “We have a new guy in the studio. And Chanyeol dropped out.”

“Ouch.”

“Oh, come on. Considering how much money his mommy and daddy have…are you surprised? His pieces were worse than mine.”

“Is this new one better?”

Baekhyun wasn’t surprised anymore about talking again out of the blue. He thought that maybe that was their thing. Avoiding confrontation, ignoring their obvious problems and going on with their relationship from the last point.

He sat down on Kyungsoo’s bed, pulling the covers to his chin and waited for Kyungsoo to wash the dishes. The water stopped running and after a couple more seconds, he was in the doorframe, walking towards him.

“Baek…” Kyungsoo said, sitting down.

“Shut up,” he said, getting closer to him until he could place his cheek on his shoulder.

“A teacher is doing an exhibition and he offered to showcase some of my stuff too…what do you think?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Really?”

“Mhm…I thought about accepting.”

“Of course you should. It’s cool,” Baekhyun said, glancing at him.

“Yeah…”

Baekhyun breathed out a sharp exhale, hiding his face at the base of Kyungsoo’s neck. He counted in his head 10 seconds, while his heart’s beat was increasing. Then, he kissed the skin, a short peck, retreating rapidly before Kyungsoo could pull back.

He didn’t say anything about it and for some reason, Baekhyun thought that maybe he didn’t even feel it.

“Missed you…”

“I’ve been back for a while,” Kyungsoo laughed.

“You never say that you miss me.”

“Baek…”

Baekhyun sighed, sitting up from the bed with no opposition from the other. “I should sleep in my own.”

“Don’t be like this,” Kyungsoo said.

“Like how?”

“Do you want me to lie to you? Is that better?”

“So you didn’t think about me while in Korea, not one bit. You didn’t even call and to that first and last message I’ve sent, you’ve just answered with a yes and that was all,” Baekhyun said.

He took Cornel in his arms, hiding his face in the soft fur of his back.

“I was busy.”

“Of course. Not one phone call. I could have been dead in a ditch but you were too busy to think about that.”

“You are making a big deal out of something you shouldn’t,” Kyungsoo said. “I went back to Korea because my father is sick and we’ve been to every possible hospital to get him treated, alright? I wasn’t having fun.”

“You could have told me.” Baekhyun whispered, lying in his own bed. “I would have understood.”

“I don’t like sharing personal things with people.”

“Yeah, I get it. No need to explain yourself.”

“Baek…”

“Would you just stop saying that? I hate it. You have no need to use any nickname or stupid crap just because…when you don’t give a damn. I didn’t ask for the rent back. I could have. The rent, money for food, doctor appointments, pills…your overnight stay at the hospital. Your fucking x-ray. I paid everything from my own money and I didn’t tell you that because I knew you’d have felt even worse. I don’t expect much, but I thought friends share things. At least, on my part I do. Or did. Never mind,” he said, covering his face with the duvet.

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything and Baekhyun couldn’t fall asleep that night; he turned on each side, counting sheep and trying to think about nothing.

Cornel was whining from time to time, bumping his cold, wet nose into his neck and face, licking his hands whenever he would wake up. Baekhyun hugged him, pulling his small body to his chest; warm and soft.

The next morning, they were both acting as if nothing had been said. Kyungsoo made breakfast, both ate in a silence that was sometimes disrupted by Belle meowing or Cornel scratching his back.

“He’s very affectionate this morning,” Kyungsoo smiled.

“Who?”

“Cornel. He’s been all over me while I did breakfast.”

“He’s growing.”

“Maybe we should throw them a small birthday party,” Kyungsoo said.

“Are you serious?!”

“Yeah…why not? It could be fun. A party for us and them too.” he laughed. “I can bake a cake for us and make one out of canned food for them.”

Baekhyun smiled, glancing over at Cornel who was sitting right at his feet and brushed a hand through his fur.

They hadn’t decided about a date but Baekhyun decided to not plaster Kyungsoo with too many questions about it; the days were getting shorter and the load of work to be done for his university classes was higher than a year before. Even working at the book store had started being tiring, especially during the weekends.

But the days were passing, some faster and others slower, without much time to talk with Kyungsoo about anything more than food and who would do the grocery shopping next.

From the looks of it, Kyungsoo’s showers were growing longer and longer, sometimes even pushing Baekhyun as far as knocking on the door. Then, the water would just stop and he would get out, pink skinned and more quiet than usual.

So when, coming back from the bookstore one Sunday -one of the shittiest ones that month, when 3 customers made returns and Bob puked all over some books that he had to pay from his own pocket -he found Kyungsoo in the kitchen, with a cake on the table. He was wearing a pink party hat, with a fluffy ball on top of it and, when he looked at Cornel and Belle, that’s when he realized they had matching hats two. One blue and the other pink.

“Happy one year anniversary!” Kyungsoo said, throwing some confetti in the air.

Baekhyun smiled, placing the books down.

“Happy anniversary,” he said, wondering for some reason whose it really was: theirs or Belle and Cornel’s?

“Are you good?”

“Tired. I think Bob might be sick…” he whispered, taking his shoes off.

“I’m sorry. I’ll cut the cake,” Kyungsoo said.

“Smells great. Oh…and if you want a book or two…he puked on them and then I had to pay for…you know,” Baekhyun shrugged.

The cake was made out of chocolate, his favorite, with whipped cream and canned cherries on top.

“Hey…” Kyungsoo whispered, looking at him. “There’s still…5$ in the jar…you can take them.”

“It’s alright. I was thinking that I should get Bob to the vet or something…he might be old too.”

“Here,” he said, handing him a slice of cake. “Not sure how tasty it is…”

“I’m sure it’s great.”

The cake was better than expected, and after a long row of compliments, Kyungsoo was blushing and grinning. Baekhyun took a short shower, and when he came back into the room, the other was already in bed.

“I could give you a massage,” Kyungsoo said. “You seem really tired.”

“It’s okay. I’m good.”

“Baek…”

“Look…if you are only being nice because of that time, you don’t have to. I’m not a kid to still be upset. I get that I need to keep some boundaries.”

“It isn’t because of that time…I mean, it kind of is but isn’t,” Kyungsoo said. “So…”

“Okay,” Baekhyun whispered, walking towards his bed. “Should I sit or what?”

“Sit,” Kyungsoo said, making some space for him.

Baekhyun laid face down, taking a breath in and closed his eyes.

“Uhm…”

“What?”

“Can you take your shirt off?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Okay…sure, right.”

Baekhyun stood up on the bed, threw it on the floor and then sat down again, without looking at Kyungsoo.

“I need some oil or something…”

“Lube?”

“That’s good too. Where do-“

“Night stand,” Baekhyun said.

At first, the liquid felt cold on his skin; Kyungsoo’s fingers were cold too, making him tremble from time to time, whenever he would reach an untouched patch of skin.

“Are you…?”

“Go on…” Baekhyun said, his face pressed into the pillow.

That was when he realized that his muscles were all sore, some of them hurting whenever Kyungsoo was pressing harder, but his hands were soft and after a couple of minutes, he was warmed up to not be uncomfortable anymore.

“Is it okay? Am I doing it too hard?” Kyungsoo asked.

He was pressing his knuckles down at the base of his neck, dragging them down to his shoulders and around them, creating then two semi-circles that were going back.

“It’s perfect. Can…lower back too?” Baekhyun asked, his words muffled by the pillow.

“Lower back?”

“Mhm…”

Kyungsoo poured some more lube on his skin; the room smelled sweet, like strawberries, making him dizzy and sleepy. He started from the hem of his pants, pressing down along his spine, up until the middle of the back and then going straight down and to the sides.

“I think I’m done,” he said after a while.

“Thanks,” Baekhyun whispered, turning over on his back. “I’m so…sticky,” he laughed.

“Sorry, I-“

“I’m too tired to care.”

“Me too…” Kyungsoo smiled.

He stood up and switched the lights off. Baekhyun felt his body lay next to him, pull the duvet over their bodies and let out a long exhale.

“Did you give your boyfriends massages?” he asked.

Kyungsoo laughed, turning on his side. “Sometimes…I mean-this is embarrassing,” he said, that time hiding his face in the crook of Baekhyun’s neck.

“What…?”

“I would do it naked, you know…”

“Were you the top?” Baekhyun asked, holding his breath; suddenly, everything was too warm, starting from his face and going down his body.

“Usually…”

“Oh…”

Kyungsoo place his hand over Baekhyun’s middle, pulling him a little closer; his breathe came out shaky, barely existent, as those fingers were beginning to dig into his skin. Baekhyun hoped they would leave marks behind.

“Baek…” he whispered.

“You’ve been taking longer showers than usual.”

Kyungsoo shook his head, a laugh caught on the seam of his lips. “I’ve been…very horny recently,” he said, those fingers digging harder and harder until Baekhyun hissed but didn’t move; instead, he shifted closer to him.

“I can help…with that…”

“Baek…that…would be extremely bad for our friendship.”

“Once…it won’t hurt anybody.”

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“It will relieve the tension. We both have been tense,” Baekhyun said, feeling after each passing second more and more unsure about everything he was saying.

Kyungsoo sighed.

“No sex…I mean-“

“I get it. No to your dick in my ass.”

“Maybe we still shouldn’t…” Kyungsoo said but Baekhyun pushed him down on his back, dragging his t-shirt up his abdomen.

“Off…please…”

Kyungsoo removed it without a word, breathing heavily as Baekhyun was trying to make out the contours of his body. He leaned over, closer and closer until he could clearly see one of his dark pink nipples.

“Baek…” he whispered when his lips touched it, gently at first, without much pressure before he wrapped them around it, pulling and letting it go with a small pop.

“Should I do it harder?”

But Kyungsoo didn’t answer, so he did that again and again until the skin was beginning to get covered in his own saliva; he sucked, harder and then caught the nipples between his front teeth, pulling again; the other grunted.

“Is it okay…?”

With his index and thumb, he grabbed the second one, rubbing it slower and faster while he kept sucking, licking and biting from time to time the first.

“Baek…stop, please,” he said and pushed him away.

“Am I doing anything wrong? Does it hurt or…”

“No, it’s good…you’re doing great.”

“Then…”

“I can’t do this with you,” Kyungsoo said. “Sorry, but I can’t. It feels weird.”

“Weird? Am I weirding you out?”

“No…it’s just…I can’t. I can’t do it with you.”

“Is it because I’m your roommate or…”

“No, yes, no, I don’t know, Baekhyun! Okay?! I simply can’t have you do all of that to me,” Kyungsoo said and stood up from the bed.

He left the room and Baekhyun kicked the bed with both fists, throwing a pillow into the wall.

“Fuck…” he whispered, feeling the familiar sting in his eyes and the knot forming right at the base of his throat.

The next morning he woke up in his own bed, with the worst headache he had had in a while. His nose was stuffy and eyes bloodshot, with dark circles around them.

Kyungsoo was not home and he felt like crying again.

“I hate this, I hate this…”

He wasn’t sure at all that they could ignore whatever had happened the night before. So he spent even more time in the studio and book store.

Sharing the same bedroom with him had become torture.

They couldn’t make eye contact as Baekhyun could already feel the knot forming in his throat, the disappointment and frustration of being rejected just as strong as that night.

It felt unfixable.

Sehun was the new guy that he was sharing the studio with, and other 2 girls who he had never talked to. At times it seemed he was the only one who understood him and his feelings.

“I feel like shit…” he whispered, lying on the floor.

“You’ve been feeling like shit for a while,” Sehun said, sitting next to him. “The ceiling is so cracked.”

“Like my heart.”

“You said you weren’t in love with him?”

“Am I? Am I not? Who knows when we can’t even look at each other anymore…I wish it were last year…”

“It will aaaall pass,” Sehun said. “Trust me.”

Baekhyun wished it was all true.

At the book store, Bob was feeling even worse and after more detailed research, he found out what he had believed from the beginning: a visit to the vet was too expensive for him.

Kyungsoo was barely at home, sometimes not even the nights and in those moments, he was almost calling him on his phone. Just to make sure.

Reconciliation, if he could call it that way, came, as always, soon and unexpectedly.

“Are you busy today?” Kyungsoo asked from the door frame.

Baekhyun looked up at him, unsure whether or not he was talking to him.

“No…it’s my free day.”

“Good. We are taking Bob to the vet,” he said.

“What? Are you crazy?”

“Maybe. Come on, I’ve already made an appointment.”

“I don’t have enough money to pay for it,” Baekhyun said, following him to the entrance door.

“I know. That’s why I’ve been saving up since you’ve told me. I have enough.”

“I…”

“Are you coming?”

Bob had lymphoma.

The chemotherapy was too expensive to even consider it and since Bob, from what the doctor had said, was an old cat, he was better being left just the way he was.

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo said.

“It’s okay…his life I think was pretty nice. At least the year he spent with me…uhm…” he said, swallowing. “Is it stupid that I feel like crying?”

“No, I don’t think…”

Baekhyun looked at Kyungsoo who, without saying anything else, hugged him, tight, for 15 counted breathes. “I’m sorry…”

“For what?”

“For hurting you…I know I did. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Baekhyun sighed.

From then on, Baekhyun felt like something had changed between them once again. It wasn’t clear what, but Kyungsoo was looking at him differently; he didn’t know what those expressions meant. What it mattered was that they weren’t avoiding each other anymore.

That’s how soon after Christmas came.

Baekhyun was staying longer at the book store, feeding and taking care of Bob, who was getting weaker day by day. Even Kyungsoo was coming from time to time, bringing soft cat food and human food too.

“I had a spare hour from classes,” he said. “And I cooked last night.”

“Thanks…” Baekhyun smiled.

“Do you have Christmas off?”

Baekhyun looked outside the window, at the snow falling in big flakes over the asphalt, melting at the first touch.

“It’s a book store…yeah. You?”

“No,” he said, sitting down.

“Oh, …assholes.”

“It’s fine…I don’t like Christmas that much anyway,” Kyungsoo said, sighing.

The decision, or lack of one, from the previous year was that they wouldn’t buy each other gifts; Baekhyun was tempted to break that rule but, since he was unsure of what Kyungsoo might enjoy, other than eco-friendly cleaning sprays and cooking mittens with cats on them, he decided to ignore that urge.

Sehun invited him over at his place for Christmas since he was also not going back home.

“My folks are going through a divorce,” he said. “So it’s very weird to be around any of them. Mom still loves him and that asshole found himself a 20 year old something girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun said.

“Don’t worry. Got used to it,” Sehun said, mixing some paints on the tray. “What do you think?”

The studio was empty; in fact, the entire university was mostly empty, as the next day was Christmas. But Baekhyun didn’t want to stay at home and Sehun, as he had realized, was obsessed with grades.

“I like it.”

“I think the yellow is a little too…yellow,” he said, touching a dried spot on the canvas.

“A pop of color. More interesting this way; you don’t expect it but it’s there,” Baekhyun said.

“Oh. Haven’t thought about it that way. How’s with that guy?”

“Good. We are okay again. The best we’ve been.”

“And the love part?”

Baekhyun shrugged, staring at the grey liquid in the jar. “There’s no love.”

Christmas at Sehun’s turned out to be a small scale party at Sehun’s; over 12 people invited, which he didn’t know and quickly realized that he didn’t want to. They were loud, cheerful and positively drunk after just 2 hours.

Sehun himself was inebriated, following him around and touching whichever part of his body he could.

“Let’s have sex,” he said.

“What?!”

“You heard me,” Sehun grinned. “Let’s…have…sex,” he whispered in his ear.

Baekhyun sighed, shaking his head. At some point, that would have seemed a good idea. But in that moment, as Sehun was stinking of alcohol and sweat at was the lamest Christmas party he had ever been to, that was the last thing he wanted to do.

“No. Sorry. You know what? I should just go home,” he said.

“Noo…”

“I’m not interested in you in that way when you are sober. So imagine when you are this drunk. Sorry,” he said.

The streets were empty, not many cars on the road either; his footsteps were loud on the sidewalk, his hands in the pockets of his winter coat as it kept snowing small flakes all over. It wasn’t very cold, bearable, as his ears were not frozen just yet.

He found himself outside the supermarket Kyungsoo was working at.

“Hey, …it’s empty.”

“Weren’t you supposed to be at Sehun’s?” Kyungsoo asked.

“It was lame…and Sehun was drunk and hitting on me. When do you finish?”

“One hour?”

“Okay.”

In total, only 3 customers had come in that hour. Baekhyun felt better staying with him and from the looks of it, Kyungsoo did too. They walked home on foot. For some reason, he wasn’t upset or disappointed about the day, the lack of fun or better things to do than walk through the snow.

“I’ve been thinking,” he told Kyungsoo.

“So you think from time to time.”

They both laughed, staring down at the wet asphalt.

“I don’t know if I want to do arts further on.”

“Why?”

“I don’t enjoy it like you do. Or like Sehun loves those good grades. I’m just there, going through with it to have a diploma. Maybe I should just drop out…do something else. I’m not sure.”

“Baek…”

“I’m not mad or anything. Just…tired.”

The next day, walking inside the book store, he knew something was wrong. There was nothing in the air but his heart started beating faster for whatever reason.

Behind the desk, he found Bob, still and cold.

His eyes were open and Baekhyun didn’t cry, didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. He just called Kyungsoo, who came after 15 minutes, holding a brown box and a bright blue shovel.

They didn’t talk while Baekhyun dug a hole in the yard that was right in front of the building or when they placed Bob’s small body in a box that went down, underneath the ground. But Kyungsoo was there, not saying anything, touching the back of his hand from time to time.

“We could plant something here in the spring,” he said when they were done. “Not sure if you believe in reincarnation…and even if you don’t…but if a flower or tree grows in this place, just think that Bob is a part of it,” Kyungsoo said.

“Okay,” Baekhyun whispered.

It wasn’t about Bob’s death, but more about his incapacity of doing anything he could to save or at least, give him a less lonely death. Because even though Bob had been just an old cat, a part of him had never seen him that way.

The shop seemed empty for a couple of days without him, but gradually, Baekhyun stopped missing his presence just as much.

New Year’s Eve passed in a blur, the night spent in the apartment, with a glass of wine and a steak made by Kyungsoo the same day.

Winter passed quickly, with little to no snow, and bearable temperatures. He wasn’t trying to push Kyungsoo’s boundaries anymore, leaving them just as they were. Kyungsoo wasn’t sharing more with him than he had used to, but Baekhyun came to not mind it just as much.

It was part of him and he couldn’t change that.

At the beginning of March, Kyungsoo told him that he was seeing someone, a guy from the dancing department: Kim Jongin.

“Oh…that’s cool,” Baekhyun said, not knowing what else to say.

Kyungsoo wasn’t talking about him, nor choosing not to sleep at home, so the change was almost unnoticeable. But then, there were slight differences in the way he was acting; he was cooking more rarely and Baekhyun was doing most of the grocery shopping.

Even the apartment was less clean and organized. Sometimes, he would come back with one or two hickeys on one side of his neck, or too red lips and disheveled hair.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it sometimes, especially at night; Kyungsoo hadn’t been willing to give him a shot; it made him feel inferior to Jongin, who he had never met.

Towards the end of March, when the weather was rainy almost every day, Baekhyun got a surprise visit from his mother and sister.

Yeri was 3 years younger than him, made out of a completely different batter; she knew from the first moment she went to school what she had wanted to do in life. He didn’t.

“Heeey…what’s with you guys here?”

“We haven’t seen you in a long time.” his mother said. “I would say that you are avoiding us.”

“Of course.” Yeri smiled. “I have a math competition this weekend.” she said. “If I get the second or first place, I get a full scholarship at the university I want to go.”

Yeri was the brains in the family and Baekhyun, even after leaving home, he wasn’t certain what he was. Not the brains.

“How are you, honey? You look thinner.” his mother said as she brushed her fingers through his hair.

“I’m good. I have a job, school is decent.”

That day looked exactly like the other ones. They were sitting in a café, Baekhyun having just a coffee in front of him.

“How’s your roommate?” Yeri asked. “Saw him once. Is he an introvert?”

“Yeri…” their mother whispered, looking at the girl.

“He’s good too. We manage.”

“Are you two getting along?”

“Yes.”

“So secretive,” she said, sipping from her milkshake.

“Honey…you know we can help you with some money…” the woman said, her hand hovering over his; but Baekhyun hid it underneath the table, on his lap.

“I’m good.”

“He’s so stubborn. Until he proves to us how well he manages his life, he won’t accept any help.” Yeri said.

“Would you just shut up?! It’s none of your business,” he said, staring at her.

“Baekhyun…”

“I’m not sure why you came to see me out of the blue, but I don’t need just now your pity and kindness.”

The woman sighed, looking through the window.

“Be stubborn as much as you want,” she said. “You are only making your life harder.”

“Whatever.”

Kyungsoo didn’t come home that night and Baekhyun couldn’t sleep; he wasn’t worried about him but, without wanting to admit it, he was jealous. He felt wounded in his pride by Kyungsoo’s blatant rejection through choosing someone else.

Sometimes, he even thought that Kyungsoo liked him more than he would like a friend.

It didn’t matter after all, because Kyungsoo was never talking about his boyfriend or much of his life, choosing to either listen to Baekhyun talk or just sit in silence.

One evening, Kyungsoo brought Jongin over at their apartment. He was better looking than expected, well built and muscly, with dark brown hair and what Baekhyun thought were blue contact lenses.

Jongin was the epitome for human perfection and, looking from him and then at his own blurry reflection in the window, he knew for certain why Kyungsoo couldn’t be attracted to him. He even felt like a ship wreck, floating around a big sea without a way to escape.

“Are those your pets?” the guy asked and Baekhyun just nodded, feeling another, worse knot forming in his throat.

Jongin seemed enamored with Belle and Cornel, who liked him just as much; Kyungsoo was smiling, only looking at them.

“I’m going out. Give you some privacy,” Baekhyun said.

“Baek…” Kyungsoo whispered, following him to the front door. “You don’t have to, I-“

“I’m staying at Sehun’s. Have fun.”

Sehun was just as surprised as he was to see him in front of his door, wet from the rain that had been pouring all day; he hadn’t taken an umbrella and did the entire way on foot.

“Are you nuts?!”

“Maybe…I need a shower because I feel like death,” he said, trembling.

“You are really stupid sometimes, you know,” Sehun said, following him inside the bathroom.

For some reason, Sehun was quite rich too; maybe not as much as Junmyeon or Chanyeol, but rich enough in his opinion. But Sehun had never particularly fussed around because of his money and usually, he acted like he didn’t have much.

Baekhyun was throwing his clothes on the toilet seat while Sehun kept watching him with big eyes.

“Get undressed.”

“What?!”

He turned around, fully naked. “You heard me, come on. I’m freezing.”

Sehun did everything with shaky movements that were making everything slower than usual; he turned on the water, moving his fingers underneath the warmer and warmer spray.

“Are you sure?”

“I might get pneumonia and die, so yes,” Baekhyun said and stepped inside.

Sehun was a good kisser. His hands were big and warm, cupping his cheeks from time to time, as at first, everything was chaste and soft.

“You’re still trembling,” he said.

“A little…”

Sehun wrapped both arms around him, letting him lean against his chest while most of the water was falling right on Baekhyun’s body.

“Don’t do this again, okay?”

“I’m sleepy…but okay. I’ll try.”

Sehun pulled him out of the shower, wrapped him in a big, fluffy towel and brought a t-shirt and pants that were too large for him; the pants were flooding his feet and the hem of the top was almost reaching his knees.

But Baekhyun didn’t feel cold anymore, especially when he crawled in bed, underneath the duvet right next to Sehun.

“Why did you do that?” he asked.

“No reason.”

“You sure had one. Was that guy again?”

“No…” he whispered, kissing Sehun on the lips.

“Do you like me?”

“Yes,” he nodded.

It was Sehun’s turn to kiss him, pressing him between the soft pillows.

“What about that guy?”

“I like you better,” he whispered, kissing him, slower and deeper than before, letting his fingers roam over his body, down to the hem of his pants. “Can I?”

“What…?”

“Whatever you want,” he whispered, pushing the pants down his legs, as well as his boxer briefs.

“Oh, fuck…your hand is cold.”

“Sorry…”

“Just…go on.”

Sehun was the biggest out of all of them, a grand total of two, but nonetheless, he was not only long but thick too. On the other hand, he was fast to orgasm, soundlessly, as Baekhyun kept kissing his neck and jaw.

“Did you like it?” he asked.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time…”

“Really…?”

“Yeah…and other stuff too…”

Baekhyun giggled, hiding his face in the pillow as Sehun grabbed a handful of napkins from the night stand to clean himself up. He felt his pants being dragged down with ease, as well as the too big underwear, hanging weirdly around his narrow hips. Sehun disappeared underneath the blanket and Baekhyun burst into laughter as the other kissed the inside of his thigh.

“I’m ticklish,” he whispered, biting his fingers, as Sehun kissed the other one and, without wanting to, he kicked the mattress with his foot.

“Don’t break my nose,” Sehun said.

His head appeared from beneath the duvet, panting as he kept trying to blow some strands of hair from his forehead.

“Then do that again. I can’t help it. I’m sensitive…”

Sehun smiled, leaning over to kiss him on the lips before he returned to his previous position between his legs.

Throughout his short sexual experience, Junmyeon hated giving blow jobs, or that’s what he believed as he had never received one from him. And with Chanyeol, well, he could mostly remember the food poisoning.

But Sehun was good, even though he was ticklish wherever his hands were mouth was touching him. At one point, he kicked him in the belly and Sehun almost chocked on his penis-almost cut off his penis.

“Sorry!” he whispered.

Baekhyun wasn’t in love with Sehun and, even though he was lying to Sehun, he didn’t want to do that to himself.

Sex with him was great, almost funny, and he was quite a good boyfriend and friend. But he preferred Sehun only as a friend, with his annoying obsession with grades and working until the last hours of the day; his over competitiveness, even with his (new) boyfriend.

Sehun also couldn’t cook or clean his apartment, so he had a maid hired.

Kyungsoo hadn’t brought Jongin over after that incident. Their daily discussions were reduced to who would feed/clean/cook/buy food for the week and nothing more. Most of the nights, Baekhyun was spending over at Sehun’s and he didn’t (want to) know what Kyungsoo was doing during that time.

March and April passed in a blur, the days not different from each other. By the beginning of May, they were using post-it notes to communicate.

In the middle of May, he realized he was only going home to feed Belle and Cornel two times a day, take more clothes and bring them to Sehun’s apartment. A part of the closest was all his, as well as the nightstand on the right side of the bed and one shelf in his bathroom.

He wasn’t even sure what was the point of paying rent anymore?

The door to the apartment was not locked and when he looked inside, there was Kyungsoo sitting at the table. On other occasions, he would have felt happy, even pleased to see him. But then, there was a loud grumble in his stomach and the sweat beginning to form on his forehead.

“I think we need to talk,” Kyungsoo said.

“About what?”

“About…everything? Us…our pets, this place. I haven’t seen you in over a month.”

“Don’t exaggerate,” Baekhyun said.

“I don’t. You’ve been avoiding me. If you want to move with Sehun just say it. I’ll find another roommate or something…”

“I…how did you get that idea? I never said I want to move with Sehun. When did I ever mention Sehun?”

Kyungsoo sighed and continued chewing his thumb. “You are not that discrete. Anyway. Just say it.”

“What?!”

“Will you move out?!”

Baekhyun stuttered, looking around. He had been thinking about doing it, sooner or later, considering he had almost no clothes left inside the apartment. But when he looked at Kyungsoo, the night spent with him on the hospital bed came back, Bob’s funeral, his broken foot, and the food poisoning.

It suddenly hit him that maybe that night, when Kyungsoo broke his leg was when he had started falling in love with him.

“No…I-you…we promised to never leave each other, right?”

“Feels like a long time ago, really,” Kyungsoo whispered. “I won’t get mad if you do move out and…”

“What about Jongin…?”

“I broke up with Jongin a month ago. I wasn’t in love with him.”

“I…”

“Will you…move out?”

“No.”

“Sure?”

“I can’t leave you and Belle and Cornel alone, can I?”

Kyungsoo laughed, looking at Baekhyun.

“I missed you, you know?”

“Did you?”

“Yeah…do I need to fight with Sehun to get some of your attention from time to time?”

“No,” he laughed, walking towards Kyungsoo. “You’ll always have my full attention.”

“Really?” Kyungsoo, asked, raising an eyebrow.

Baekhyun was centimeters away from him, his gaze moving from his dark eyes to his bitten bottom lip to the mole on the corner of it. His hand fell on his chest, slowly sliding down to the band of his jeans, right near the button.

Kyungsoo’s breath came out shaky as Baekhyun sat down on his lap, straddling his thighs.

“Fuck…” he whispered when Baekhyun’s lips touched his neck, dragging them across the heated skin.

His fingers unbuttoned his jeans, unzipping them while he bit down right above his clavicle.

“Baek…what about Sehun…?”

“I don’t really care,” he whispered.

Kyungsoo dug his fingers in his middle and pinched the skin.

“What was that for?”

“You’re cute when you squirm.”

“Yeah…?”

“Yeah…” Kyungsoo whispered as he traced his finger along his jaw, down to his throat.

He brushed his thumb up and down, and Baekhyun closed his eyes, waiting. His hand laid flat on his neck, not putting any pressure but still, it made him shiver. Kyungsoo kissed him, starting from his earlobe, which he took in his mouth and sucked until he left it red.

“Take your shirt off,” he said, pulling the hem up.

Baekhyun removed it, throwing it on the table and, as the cold air was prickling his skin, his nipples were turning hard; he took one between his fingers, rubbing them over it until Baekhyun trembled in his arms, placing his cheek on his shoulder.

His pants followed the discarded shirt and, naked on top of Kyungsoo, he felt vulnerable and smaller. The other’s fingers were hot on his skin, tracing patterns all over his back.

“Can I…be a little rougher?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Yeah…”

The first slap over his ass sent a small, pang of pain through his body, quickly subsided by the gentle brush of fingers over the reddened spot.

“Is it okay?”

“Go on…”

But the second slap was harder, making his cheeks jiggle. Kyungsoo brushed his teeth along his neck, nipping the skin while one of his fingers was pressing against his entrance.

“It might sting,” Kyungsoo said.

He did it slowly, moving it back and forth until it slid inside to the first knuckle. Baekhyun dug his fingers into his arms, closing his eyes when Kyungsoo started moving inside of him.

“I’m hard…” he whispered, kissing his jaw.

“Undo my pants,” Kyungsoo said.

His penis was red and inflamed, warm and thick; he brushed his fingers over the tip and caught them both, his and Kyungsoo’s, in his closed fist.

“Fuck…”

Baekhyun didn’t want it to be over until the moment he came right on his abdomen, followed minutes later by the other. His hand was sticky, every centimeter of his body covered in sweat that that was traveling down his back and chest.

“Did you like it…?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Mhm…but we needed some lube, maybe,” he laughed, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

“Yeah, maybe…”

Kyungsoo’s fingers were still going up and down his spine, stopping from time to time, to then caress over a spot with his thumb.

“You didn’t take your clothes off…”

Kyungsoo laughed, the sounds reverberating through his rib cage and then right to Baekhyun’s chest, pressed against his.

“We should shower.”

“Let’s do it together,” Baekhyun said and looked at him.

“Baek…”

“What?”

“It was wrong not having any control over my actions but…this is still called cheating.”

“Don’t, please don’t.”

“But it’s the truth.”

“Then I’ll break up with Sehun,” he said.

“Is that so easy for you? Just exchange one for another without the littlest remorse or consideration for our feelings?” Kyungsoo asked, not looking at him but at the wall behind.

“No consideration? So what am I supposed to do right now?”

“We shouldn’t have done any of this.”

“You wanted it as much as I did. Just admit that you’ve enjoyed it,” Baekhyun said, sitting up from his lap.

All the blood was traveling up to his cheeks, feeling his body begin to burn and tremble at the same time. Out of a sudden, he felt stupid standing naked right in front of him so he grabbed the shirt and pulled it over himself.

“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t just as wrong.”

“So you don’t want me to break up with him.”

“How would I know you wouldn’t do the same thing to me?” Kyungsoo asked.

“You know me that little?!”

“You’ve cheated on him!” he shouted.

“With you! Not with whatever person I found at a bar. I can’t believe you think I’m the only one guilty.”

“I’m not that type of person,” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun ran inside the bathroom, locked the door and threw everything that he could find lying around right on the floor. Everything was crashing on him and, even though he tried to push it back, he felt ashamed, thinking back at what he did with Kyungsoo.

Not ashamed of the act in itself, but ashamed of how sure he had been that finally, he had Kyungsoo as his and only his. That Kyungsoo was giving in to him, breaking those tall fences and boundaries between them.

But he only rebuilt them, taller.

He didn’t care about Sehun and his feelings, or that was what he tried to make himself believe. The bathroom was cold and his body was slowly becoming cold and stiff.

That night, he left straight to Sehun’s apartment, without addressing Kyungsoo another word. The streets were empty and every step reminded him of the wet, drenching feeling he was holding in his chest, thinking about everything that was over.

Sehun didn’t answer immediately, and when he saw him, bloodshot eyes and too big pupils, he knew what he had been doing.

“Give me some too,” he said, closing the door.

When he woke up, his head was pounding, like a dozen nails were being pushed at the same time right into his brain. The room was spinning, slower and faster in imperfect circles.

He needed to vomit.

“Thank god you are alive.” he heard a voice say.

“Where am I?”

“Hospital.”

He turned his head, but that only made the spinning even worse. It was Kyungsoo.

“You had…an overdose.”

“Of…fuck.”

“The doctors said it would take you some time to wake up.”

“Why are you here?” he asked.

His throat was dry, hurting.

“Some water?”

“Here…now it’s safe for you to drink and eat.”

“You put me on the contact person list,” Kyungsoo said, giving him the glass with a straw in it. “They called me last night.”

“And Sehun?”

“He…only called the ambulance I suppose. He didn’t come here.”

Baekhyun squeezed his eyes shut.

“I feel like shit.”

“You should. You are a big moron. A big moronic idiot who almost died because of his stupidity. I can’t believe you’ve been doing that. For how long?!”

“Don’t…”

“Baekhyun…for how long have you been taking drugs?”

“That was the first time. Sehun was taking from time to time. And my first time was a freaking overdose.”

“Idiot,” Kyungsoo whispered. “I called your mom. She’ll be here tomorrow to take you home for summer.”

“You didn’t.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“Or yours?!”

“She is your mother. It’s her job to take care of you, especially when you do something as reckless as that,” Kyungsoo said.

“Yeah, sure…I don’t need her help.”

“Of course you don’t. That’s why you almost died.”

“Kyungsoo…stop it.”

“Fine,” he sighed and stood up.

That had been the worst summer of his entire existence. Not only did his mother come next day, one jaw on earth and the other in the sky, the angriest he had ever seen her in what concerned his being, but his little sister, Yeri accompanied her.

For some reason, she found his entire situation rather interesting, fact that he didn’t care much about.

Kyungsoo had turned out to be everybody’s favorite-which didn’t make matters better, but in a way did manage to turn his last days in the hospital brighter.

To his own surprise, a month after his return home, Kyungsoo came, without calling or announcing him and, judging from his mother’s unimpressed expression when he saw him at their door, he was certain she knew about it.

“Feeling better?” Kyungsoo asked as he placed his backpack on a chair; even more shocking was his mother approving of them sleeping in the same room, on the same bed.

“I guess. But I’m so bored…I’m not allowed to get a job and Yeri is a literal pain in the ass,” he said.

“You know how to play the guitar?” Kyungsoo asked.

“A little. And the piano. But I’m so rusty that it doesn’t really count.”

“Play something.”

“Nooo…” Baekhyun mumbled, pressing his face into the pillow.

“Come on, I’ll give you a reward for it.”

“What reward?”

“It’s a secret. So play whatever you want.” Kyungsoo smiled.

Baekhyun played or tried to, the only song he could remember, “Love Shot”.

“It’s great,” Kyungsoo said. “Really great. You’re great.”

“What’s the reward?” Baekhyun asked, putting the guitar down.

Kyungsoo cleared his throat and leaned in, slower and slower until they were so close that their noses were touching; his breath was warm on his lips and face and Baekhyun closed his eyes. The kiss was short and when Kyungsoo pulled back, all his words were stuck to his tongue.

“Did you like it?”

“Yeah…”

“If you wouldn’t be such an idiot all the time, maybe you’d receive more.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Baekhyun laughed.

“Nothing.”

He grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer again, but Kyungsoo proved to be stronger and stood up in a quick movement, leaving enough space between them.

“You have to deserve them.”

“What…?”

“Whenever you do something good. Such as singing well on the guitar…or-“ he shrugged, turning around. “Your mother wanted me to help her cook. I’ve told her about a recipe I’ve tried once and turned amazing.”

Baekhyun sighed, falling down on the bed.

Why was Kyungsoo making matters so complicated when in his mind they were so simple?

Because he knew at that point he loved Kyungsoo, and not with the superficiality or idea of gaining something from the relationship, but with a strange fear bubbling in his gut about loving him so intensely that he was even willing to change his self and his beliefs to please him.

It was all about Kyungsoo and had been for a while, even though he had been trying to lie to himself. No one else’s opinion mattered more than his. Kyungsoo was the center of his little world.

The food tasted better than ever and his mother had been showing a great liking to him; even Yeri was staring at him with big eyes and mouth ajar. He made his bed, changed into pajamas and waited for him to come out of the bathroom.

Kyungsoo’s hair was still wet, his cheeks flushed from the hot water. He turned off the light and sat on the bed next to him; it was almost too small for two people but at the same time it wasn’t.

“Your hair is on my face…” Kyungsoo said.

“So…”

“It itches.”

“Then kiss me if you want it off your face.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“One kiss.”

Kyungsoo sighed, prompting himself on one elbow to hover over his body. He leaned it, kissed the corner of his mouth and then sat back on the bed.

“That was half a kiss.”

“I didn’t have to do it.”

“I think…” Baekhyun whispered, “that you are my best friend.”

“Well, you have no friends, so of course I am your best friend.”

“Tomorrow I’ll show you that I have plenty of them…”

Kyungsoo laughed, turning his back to him. He counted 10 seconds in his head and then turned too, wrapping an arm around his middle.

“I have a question. And if you answer it, I’ll kiss you.”

“Is it a hard one?”

“Why do you not get along with your mother? I don’t get it. She’s sweet and caring.”

“Because…it is complicated. I wanted to do arts, you know. I thought that was the thing for me. But she didn’t. Her idea of a good education was law school, or medicine or anything scientific. We kept arguing during my last year of high-school and she said that if I apply to an art school, she won’t pay for my fees, rent, anything. I applied for that and even though then she said she will in fact pay as there’s nothing to do about it, I…”

“You had to be stubborn and refuse. And keep a grudge for so freaking long.”

“She said a lot of hurtful things.”

“She’s your mother.”

“Shut up. Now the kiss.” Baekhyun said, pouting, his face centimeters away from Kyungsoo’s; he didn’t for the other and simply pressed their lips together.

He laughed, leaning over his chest.

When morning came, Kyungsoo was not gone. He was still asleep, right next to him, one leg on top of the sheets and mouth slightly ajar.

“Why are you staring at me…again?” Kyungsoo whispered.

“Am I?”

“Yes…I could feel your gaze from my sleep.”

“Do you want to feel my lips too?” Baekhyun asked, grinning.

“Your breath stinks.”

“Yours does too. But I never said anything about it.”

“Baek…”

He stood up from the bed, ran towards the bathroom, brushed his teeth and returned to his bedroom with an even bigger grin on his face. “Now you can’t say anything about it.”

“Yes, I can. I’ve never said I’d just kiss you whenever you feel like it.”

“But don’t you feel like it?” Baekhyun asked.

“No. I’m hungry.”

Baekhyun fell down on the bed, sighing as Kyungsoo left the room, with all his clothes in his arms, towards the bathroom. It was also the big day of Kyungsoo seeing his friends that were all, unfortunately, still living in their hometown.

They had arrived on time at their meeting place-a small café in the town center; Minseok was already there, his smile extending to both ears when he saw them.

“Can’t believe you deigned to give me a visit,” he said, hugging Baekhyun.

“Don’t be like this…” Baekhyun laughed. “I suppose you know Kyungsoo.”

“Of course I do. How is living with this one? Fantastically painful in the bottom region?”

“Something like that,” Kyungsoo said; he shook his hand and then sat down at the table.

“The girls are late. They are always late. Did you know Joy is working with Calvin Klein now? I get free underwear from her.” Minseok laughed.

“She told me something about that.”

“Oh, and Irene dropped out of med school.”

“What?!” Baekhyun almost shouted and, as a consequence, Kyungsoo kicked him underneath the table.

“She’s doing journalism. First year.”

“Oh…”

“See? Life here isn’t that boring.” Minseok said.

“Of course when you are married, with one kid on the way.” Baekhyun laughed.

“Shut up. I’m still pissed you didn’t come to the wedding.”

“I said I’d make up for it.”

After 10 more minutes, Irene and Joy came together, none of them having met Kyungsoo before. Everything was going well and fine, but Baekhyun was rather annoyed because of Kyungsoo’s blatant ignorance towards his delicate feelings. Even though Baekhyun kept trying to catch his gaze or hand from time to time, he was always managing to look somewhere else or suddenly, grab the cup in front of him so that he would avoid any interaction.

He knew there weren’t going to be any romantic confessions or tears of joy since Kyungsoo’s rare kisses appeared to be only an amusing game for him.

“So…” Irene said, looking at Baekhyun, “do you have someone back there, waiting for you?”

“Uhm…” he whispered, thinking about Sehun and the overdose that threw him in a hospital bed and almost premature death. “No, not really…had a couple of failed ones.”

“Well, at least you have Kyungsoo to lean back on,” Joy laughed. “Right?”

She raised an eyebrow, glancing from one to another.

“We are good friends,” Kyungsoo said. “But he’s one heck of a slob.”

“Come on, I didn’t say anything negative about you in front of time.”

“Like you have anything negative to say about me.”

At the end of it, Joy promised to send them some free underwear from time to time too, which made Minseok become so irritated that he threw a couple of snarky remarks her way. Baekhyun knew he wouldn’t get any more kisses from Kyungsoo even though he still had some hope left.

The day passed quickly, and with the end of it came the realization that the next day, Kyungsoo was going to leave.

“Can’t you just stay one more day or something?” Baekhyun asked.

“I have work.”

“Call sick. Your train is late or-“

“In two months you’ll come back,” he said.

“Whatever,” Baekhyun mumbled, turning on the other side.

Kyungsoo sighed, pulling him closer to his chest; he smiled, trying to not make any noise as the other’s fingers were slowly tracing lines and circles over his shirt.

“Do you want a kiss?”

“Huh…?”

“Goodbye kiss. Not because you deserve it or anything.”

“Then I don’t want any.”

“Okay. I won’t give you any, then.”

Baekhyun turned around, bumped into his chest and without even breathing, kissed him. He did it again, a total of three times, each longer than the last one until Kyungsoo pushed him away when he sucked his bottom lip.

“That was three…”

“So…?”

“More than we bargained for.”

“Tell me you didn’t like it,” Baekhyun said.

“I didn’t like it. Your lips are chapped and your breath stinks again.”

“I’ve just brushed my teeth, you asshole.”

The next day, without any more kisses, Kyungsoo left and the rest of two months were the most boring and tedious of his life. It wasn’t all bad, as he found out that Yeri was actually quite a funny person once she got rid of her obnoxious superiority complex, and eventually, his mother and he were on safe, common ground.

So not everything was as terrible as he had thought it would turn to be. But not that great either.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was planning on finishing this fic by the beginning of last week but life and exams got in the way, so i can only post half of the final chapter. 
> 
> hope you'll enjoy it anyway:)

Baekhyun pushed the door open and stepped inside; everything looked the same, smelling of lemon and rubbing alcohol, with one lone, black hair flying right before his nose. It felt like home, more than his real one, hundreds of kilometers away. There was noise except for the fall of his backpack on the floor and his socks on the linoleum.

“I’ve arrived,” he said, putting the suitcase down. “What are you doing?”

“Washing your evil spawns? They stink. Again,” Kyungsoo said.

One long meow came from the bathroom, followed by a curse and a big splash of water. Belle was running through the kitchen, wet and fuming with cat anger and bubbles hanging down from her whiskers.

“I hate that thing,” Kyungsoo said. “She bit me and I didn’t even finish washing her. Can you catch her? Possibly squeeze her neck a little too?”

“Don’t be like this.”

But Belle slipped from his hands like a snake, leaving a long scratch behind. She hid underneath the kitchen drawer, hissing from time to time.

“That thing will get sick,” Kyungsoo sighed.

Baekhyun laughed, looking at him; his t-shirt that had a big splotch in the middle of it and his black hair was in all possible and impossible directions. It seemed like he cut it even shorter, but he thought it looked just as good, maybe even better.

Kyungsoo grabbed a handful of cat food, scattered it all across the floor and waited until Belle came out from her hiding spot, then he grabbed her, and ran towards the bathroom.

“Are you actually blow drying her?” Baekhyun laughed.

“Yes. Don’t even…”

When the operation was finally complete Belle looked as if a tornado swallowed and then spit her out in the middle of a haystack.

“She does look cleaner.”

“Cornel is such an angel,” Kyungsoo said.

“Of course.”

Baekhyun faltered in his spot in the bathroom doorframe, unsure.

The last 2 months erased from his mind the boldness of asking Kyungsoo to kiss him whenever he wanted. Back then he could just press a kiss on his lips without expecting to be pushed away or face another month of silence.

But, looking at him emptying the basin and washing his hands, it became obvious that he needed the contact, touching Kyungsoo and feeling, even for a fraction of a second, that maybe he wasn’t that indifferent.

“Mom and I are good,” he said.

“Great.”

Kyungsoo walked past him; he wanted to grab his wrist to stop him. But he didn’t.

“Are you hungry?”

“I ate on the train.”

“Okay. Good. I’m really tired anyway,” Kyungsoo said, wiping some sweat from his forehead. “Oh, I’ve been talking a little with Joy.”

“What have you been doing?!”

Kyungsoo laughed, looking at him. “Relax. She’s really funny. Next month there’s a Calvin Klein event over here and she’s coming too. We could meet her.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Baekhyun whispered, chewing on his bottom lip.

“You okay?”

“Just tired. I’m going to take a shower and then go to sleep.”

“Okay.”

Baekhyun hadn’t felt that stupid in quite a long while; because whatever he was doing, he had never seemed to reach Kyungsoo’s soul or at least, the part of his brain that would eventually accept him as something more than a necessary annoyance.

“Talking to Joy.” he huffed. “Why is he talking to her just like that?”

Kyungsoo was reading a book in the bedroom when he got out of the shower. The blinds were pulled down and Cornel was sleeping right on his bed, snoring and kicking with his legs.

“Do you like Joy?” he asked.

“What?!”

“I don’t know…maybe you like her.”

“I don’t like Joy in that way if that’s what you want to know,” Kyungsoo said.

He put the book down and patted the bed.

“Come here.”

Baekhyun sighed, sitting down next to him. He wasn’t facing him, but mostly his back as he kept staring at the window in front of him. Kyungsoo’s fingers suddenly touched his back, brushing across in big lines, then turning into tight circles, until one hand cupped his hip; his thumb was almost touching his skin, running over the hem of his t-shirt.

“Look at me.”

“Why?”

“You are upset.”

“Since when do we talk about stuff like that?” Baekhyun asked, glancing back at him.

“If I give you a kiss, will it make it better?”

Baekhyun wanted to refuse, stand up, go to his own bed and pretend he didn’t care about any of his kisses or touches. But he couldn’t, as the word came out of his mouth.

Kyungsoo leaned in, smiling; it wasn’t as short as it used to be, and for some reason, that was even worse. His fingers grabbed his shirt, pulling him even closer as he could feel the softness of his lips, the warm breath on his face.

“Better?”

“Maybe…”

“Why are you this upset? Did I do anything wrong?”

“Not sure,” Baekhyun whispered.

“Baek…”

“Is kissing me just a stupid game to you? Do you just like playing with me and seeing yourself hold power over me?” he asked.

“Baek, I…”

“Just tell me what it’s all about because I can’t handle anymore whatever this is. You either want to kiss me or not. You either like me or not. You either want to be intimate with me or not. Not all at once, because I don’t know what to understand out of this,” Baekhyun said, trying to stand up, but Kyungsoo held him down on the bed.

“I…don’t like being vulnerable. I like being the one in control.”

“That’s no excuse,” Baekhyun said.

“You are too much for me sometimes…you get attached to things and people and animals so quickly and whenever something bad happens, you just crash.”

“So, what?! Are you afraid that I’d be a burden to you?”

“Baek…”

“Am I a burden to you? Do you just feel sorry for me, so that’s why you-“

“No! I don’t. You always feel so much about everything,“ Kyungsoo said, brushing his fingers over his knuckles, “but I don’t. I’m scared to feel that much.”

“Playing with me just means that you are an asshole,” he said and stood up.

“Baek, just listen a little. Why do you think that I’m playing with you like some sort of horrible person that doesn’t care about your feeling?”

“Because you don’t.”

“We are friends.”

“Are we?” Baekhyun asked. “Friends don’t kiss from time to time or give each other hand jobs that they regret afterward.”

“I didn’t regret it.”

“Yes, you did.”

“You were with Sehun at the time and what we did was wrong,” Kyungsoo said.

“Right. Everything I do is wrong when it comes to you.”

“Don’t exaggerate,” he sighed.

“Fine. I mean, there isn’t one moment when we don’t have a fight because none of us is honest.”

“So you are not being honest right now?” Kyungsoo asked.

“I am. But if I am too much, then you wouldn’t like it.”

“I didn’t want to tell you this right now, but I suppose it’s better now than later,” Kyungsoo said. “Sit.”

Baekhyun sat down again, staring at the white sheets as Kyungsoo’s intertwined their fingers.

“You wanted me to be honest, so I am now.”

His heart started beating faster, caught in his throat, hoping that his expectations were about to be true. He wanted to be.

“At the end of this year, I’m going back to South Korea.”

“For the summer, right?”

“No…I need to be there with my family. That’s home for me.”

“I don’t understand,” Baekhyun whispered. “If you go there…then you wouldn’t come back here?”

“For a couple of years…maybe not.”

“Couple of years? That can mean 10, or 5 or 20,” he said.

Baekhyun pulled his hand away, biting his lower lip.

“My father is really sick and my family needs me there…I can’t help it.”

“That means…that you’ll leave me, right? Forever.”

“Baek…it’s not definitive,” Kyungsoo said, trying to hold his hand again but he placed it behind his back.

“You said it’s for a couple of years. In a couple of years, many things change. Then what would be your reason to come back and even try to contact me again? I’m just the roommate during your university years. Nothing important.”

“We can talk on the phone and facetime and-“

“For how long? For 2 months and then get busy with our lives and forget about each other?! Why?!” he said, standing up. “What is the point for all of this? Your-your kisses and-you knew you were going to just leave so why make me-doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not leaving tomorrow!”

“Maybe it would be better for you to leave tomorrow,” Baekhyun said.

“Baekhyun, don’t be like this. Do you think it’s that easy for me?!”

“Yes.”

“I like it here. I like the town, the people, my university, what I’m doing. I like everything.”

“Good to know you like this fucking town and this fucking university better than other things. Facetime the fucking street then!”

Baekhyun didn’t want to scream and get upset, but he had done all of that. He sat on the bed, covered his head with the sheets and ignored everything that Kyungsoo had to say until all noises ceased. The lights were switched off and he breathed out.

In the morning, something stopped him from keeping the silence as he would have always done. Kyungsoo was in the kitchen, with Belle on his lap, reading his book.

“Morning…” Baekhyun whispered.

“Hey…I made the pancakes. They are on the plate.”

“I don’t want to keep a grudge anymore or ignore you for months until I feel like I had enough and I can’t continue anymore.”

“Okay…”

“So…I’ll just forget what you said last night…I don't think about it.”

“That’s not-“

“Let me finish. I’ll do that, I won’t get angry because of it anymore. But I have a request for you. Don’t play with me anymore. That I can’t take. I don’t get your mixed feelings, your-your mood swings towards me. If you want to have me, then have me. If you don’t, then don’t act like you do.”

“Okay. Now…your stomach is grumbling over your monologue, so I get that you are starving.”

“Did you even listen to what I was saying?!”

“Yes. I did. What am I supposed to do now? Jump from the 7th floor of the building?” Kyungsoo asked. “Eat.”

“Asshole,” he whispered.

“Do you want an answer right now? This very second?” the other asked, putting the book down.

“Then when?”

“I’m thinking about…this and other things, okay? I’m just thinking.”

Baekhyun went to every coffee shop, supermarket and bookstore to leave his CV. He tried not to think about Kyungsoo, his failed attempt at being independent or choosing a career for himself.

The day was windy and cloudy, and later during the afternoon, it started raining.

He kicked a stone, staring at the sky and then at the sidewalk. School was almost there, ready to begin, but not a single fiber from his being was drawn towards that perspective. Because no matter how much he stared at his finished pieces, sketches and drawings, he couldn’t find anything worthwhile lost somewhere on the paper. Jongdae’s works were getting praise, spots in national competitions and offer from different design companies. His were only giving him anger.

It was raining harder and harder so he stopped in the frame of a small bakery; the air smelled like warm bread, caught in the veil of burnt soil and exhaust gases.

Even Kyungsoo had a plan for his life: going back to South Korea. Being useful. He sighed again, shaking his head. After a while, he bought a bread that he started eating from.

When the rain stopped, there wasn’t any left.

The way home he did on foot. It was dark already when he got inside; Cornel ran towards him, barking, as Kyungsoo was in the kitchen, cooking.

“Hey! How did it go?”

“Fine, I guess,” he said, throwing the backpack down.

“You only guess?”

Baekhyun shrugged and pulled the chair to sit down.

“I’m starving.”

“There’s lasagna in the oven,” Kyungsoo said. “Don’t worry. You’ll find a job.”

Baekhyun tried to smile, but he couldn’t really; Kyungsoo noticed it and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead.

“I bought chips and cheese sauce.”

“You don’t need to-“

“I want to have you. God, it sounds so terrible,” Kyungsoo laughed. “But I do.”

“Even though you’ll be leaving in less than a year?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

There wasn’t much change after that; not anything noticeable or a perceptible difference in their relationship. But putting a label onto it was making Baekhyun feel better and even more scared at the same time.

Kyungsoo sat down on his bed, pulled the covers over himself and laid his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“What are you watching?”

“Friends. Wanted to see what all the fuss was about,” Baekhyun said.

“I hate it,” Kyungsoo yawned.

He kissed his neck, quickly and then shifted lower on the bed. Baekhyun smiled, looking at him.

“What…?”

“Nothing.”

“Let’s sleep…” Kyungsoo mumbled, grabbing him by the middle and pulling down.

“My laptop!” Baekhyun shouted, holding it with both hands. “It almost fell.”

“That means we should sleep. I have work tomorrow and I’ve got the best idea ever. Let’s connect the beds.”

Baekhyun laughed, slapping his hand. He put the laptop on the nightstand, switched off the light; he did all of that smiling.

“We can do that tomorrow.”

“I’m sleepy,” Kyungsoo whispered, pulling him closer again.

Baekhyun felt happy. He had what he had been wishing for almost a year; Kyungsoo was his and only his, if only just for that much.

The smile was not leaving his face, not when he was pressed at his chest, feeling the warmth envelop both of them. Kyungsoo yawned again, gave him another kiss on the cheek; he didn’t know when he had fallen asleep.

Baekhyun felt happy.

So happy that he didn’t even care about finding a job, or a different future path. They were all relative when his chest was effervescent, his thoughts were only going back to Kyungsoo. Images of Kyungsoo smiling and laughing, running after Belle, with his wet t-shirt and messy hair; Kyungsoo kissing his cheek and walking on the street, wearing only black clothes.

“Earth to the chipmunk.”

“You haven’t been calling me that in a while,” Baekhyun smiled.

“Your smile…creeps me out. You’ve been doing that the whole morning.”

“What?”

“That. You’ve never been smiling that much,” he said, poking his cheek.

“Don’t you like it?”

“Is it because of me?”

“Who said it’s because of you?” Baekhyun asked.

Kyungsoo placed a hand on the nape of his neck, pulling him closer; he brushed his nose over his, laughing and then kissed him on the tip, on the corner of his mouth and then, lastly, his lips.

Baekhyun wondered if that was love.

He breathed out, not looking at Kyungsoo.

“Are you busy today?”

“Depends…”

“Okay. Then let’s go out,” he said, grabbing his wrist to pull him up.

“Kyungsoo…”

“Come on, go get dressed.”

Baekhyun laughed, ran towards the bedroom and threw on the first pair of jeans and t-shirt that he saw in the closet. His heart was beating maybe too fast, his cheeks were red and the smile was not leaving his face whenever he was thinking or looking at Kyungsoo.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Wherever you want.”

“Let’s take Cornel with us!”

The day was bright and warm, the sun upon the sky that had no trace of clouds. Cornel was walking ahead of them with his pink tongue out, glancing back from time to time. They bought chocolate ice cream and pretzels, eating them on a bench in a park in the town center. There were squirrels searching for nuts next to them and Cornel, still on his leash, kept barking as he attempted to catch one or two.

None of them was talking, but Baekhyun didn’t mind it; their thighs were touching, and from time to time, they would share a laugh or a long glance that would turn into another fistful of giggles.

Baekhyun placed his head on his lap, letting his feet dangle from the edge of the bench. Kyungsoo was brushing his fingers through his hair or pressing down on the tip of his nose.

“I like it here…” Baekhyun whispered.

“Me too…”

Kyungsoo smiled and leaned down to kiss the tip of his nose and then, briefly, his lips.

“I could get used to this.”

“You could?” Kyungsoo asked, moving his finger across the contours of his face, his jaw, eyebrows, nose-bridge and then his mouth.

He pressed down between his lips and Baekhyun bit down on his finger.

“Ouch. You’re not allowed to bite me,” Kyungsoo said, laughing.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m the only one who can do it.”

“Really?”

Baekhyun stood up, staring at him.

“Baek…”

“What?!”

“Baek…”

“Someone is calling me,” he said, jumping to his feet.

Later that day, Baekhyun practically had a job at a café in the town center; it wasn’t as good or worry-free as his former bookstore job, but it sufficed, as he didn’t have the guts to complain about something like that.

He had a job, and that was all that mattered.

Kyungsoo seemed happy for him.

“You know…” he said, sitting on his bed with another book in his hands. “You could give me free coffee from time to time.”

“Asshole.”

“I’m your boyfriend,” Kyungsoo laughed and pressed him down, between the pillows and blankets.

Since they had connected the beds that day, the room looked less weird and Kyungsoo had no excuse or alternative but to always sleep right next to him. The only problem was the long, deep dent between the two beds, which couldn’t be fixed not even with a tome of blankets. But that was unimportant.

“Is my boyfriend so sweet and kind to hug me?” Baekhyun asked.

He didn’t want to push anything too far and ruin their relationship by being greedy from the very beginning; even though there were many things that seemed to be still missing (at least in his mind) he was willing to take it slow, at Kyungsoo’s pace.

“What are other requests of my dear boyfriend?” Kyungsoo asked; he wrapped both arms around him, squeezing tighter and tighter until Baekhyun slapped his hand.

“So you are my boyfriend, right? You aren’t kidding…?”

“Do you want me to be kidding?”

“No!”

“Then I’m not kidding,” Kyungsoo said and kissed him on the cheek.

Baekhyun’s new job turned out to be harder than he had expected; other than the fact he had no idea how to make one damn good coffee, he also had no idea how to serve it. There was a 10 day training period, and beside him, there were another guy and a girl, in the prepping phase. He was sure they were not about to keep all three of them, considering the size of the shop.

The girl was slightly worse than him, but the guy was more than slightly better than him. His name was Yixing. He was certain that Yixing would get hired sooner or later, which meant more CVs, more waiting and walking around the neighborhoods. The only advantage he held over the others was his latter art; foam bears and cats made with condensed milk.

People seemed to like them, as well as Yixing.

“That’s pretty cool,” he said.

“You think so?”

“Yeah, it is. Are you in school still?” Yixing asked.

“Arts,” Baekhyun shrugged. “It sucks when you hate it.”

“Why? You are good at it.”

“It’s only an impression. That’s called being mediocre,” Baekhyun said.

“I’m not sure if this would help you but…” Yixing laughed, “This summer I’m volunteering in Ghana at a school for children that they are building now. You still have talent and if you wanted, you could teach them a thing or two.”

“I’m…”

“Just think about it. Food for thought,” he said.

Yixing had quickly become a pleasant presence in his life at the coffee shop; after 10 days, only the girl got fired and even the manager noticed his latte art which became part of the menu, photographed and placed on the wall behind the counter.

“The manager at the coffee shop wants me to do some training in my free time,’ Baekhyun said when he arrived back at their apartment. “He found a course and I can do it in the evenings. What do you think?”

“Sounds cool,” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun smiled, placing his head on his back.

“How was your day?”

“Shitty. I hate that damn supermarket. A customer broke the entire egg box in my head because apparently, they were already broken.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I smelled like eggs the entire day,” he huffed.

“Can I make you feel better?” Baekhyun asked and kissed his cheek.

“Let’s just eat…I’m starving.”

Kyungsoo was quiet while they ate and Baekhyun was used to that; it wasn’t that out of character for him to not talk in excessive amounts but fall in a silent reverie, usually reading a book. When night came, his talkativeness didn’t increase or decrease, remaining on a floating level that was beginning to piss him off.

“I’m not going to nag you. I mean, I am. But what I’m trying to say is that…you can talk to me. Say whatever you want, and not because I’m your boyfriend or what not, but because I think we are friends…and…” he whispered the last words.

“Sorry, Baek…I can’t really discuss some things with you. They are more personal than someone throwing a carton of eggs at me.”

“Okay. Fine. Okay,” he whispered, fumbling with the sheets. “Okay, I get it.”

“Baek…”

“No, it’s okay. If I can just say whatever is on my mind it doesn’t mean that you can,” Baekhyun said, trying to smile.

Kyungsoo sighed, covering Baekhyun’s hand with his own.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“I have work early tomorrow. I should just go to sleep.”

He didn’t kiss Kyungsoo good night, only turned around on his side, facing the closet. Dating Kyungsoo was not as easy as he had hoped it would be. In the morning, he woke up to the other hugging him.

It made him smile, but then, the heaviness in his chest returned. He shifted in his sleep and Baekhyun stood up, going to the bathroom.

“Morning…” Kyungsoo said. “You woke up early.”

“Yeah…I need to sign the papers for the course.”

“Oh, so soon.”

“It’s an intensive one. I should finish it in 2 months,” Baekhyun said.

“Hey…give me a kiss,” Kyungsoo said, holding both of his hands into his own. “Are you upset with me?”

“I’m just…you don’t trust me, do you?”

“It’s not that…”

“You can be honest. I trust you. But you don’t trust me or at least, you don’t feel comfortable sharing anything with me. And it feels shitty. Because you have my thoughts, my feelings, my-doesn’t matter.”

“Baek…”

“Maybe it’s stupid trying to be together when you are still going to leave…” Baekhyun said, stepping away.

“It’s not. Don’t be like this… I share things with you.”

“Not the ones that really matter. Whatever.”

“Don’t do this,” Kyungsoo said.

“I’m going to be late for work.”

“You’re leaving upset. I’ll just think about it the whole day.”

“Will you? I’ve counted. In the past two years, almost 6 months we haven’t even talked to each other. I was upset back then too. Now all of a sudden you give a damn?!”

“Baek…”

“I’m going to be late.”

He couldn’t concentrate at work which became obvious even for Yixing, who asked him a couple of times whether or not he was feeling alright. His reflection in the mirror was worse than usual; heavy, purple bags underneath his smaller than usual eyes and chapped lips, that sometimes bled.

“Oh, Baekhyun,” Yixing said.

“Yeah?”

“On Sunday I’m singing at a café. You could come if you want,” he said.

“Yeah, sure, why not?”

Then, there came a quick succession of busy nothings. He almost forgot about whatever was dripping down from his mind as his life was spinning around the same few things. The training program had started and with it the bringing home of 5 bags of coffee and 4 more on the go.

Not only the kitchen, but the whole apartment was smelling like coffee beans, cinnamon, and different spices. There wasn’t a spot that didn’t remind him of brewing and creating art with milk.

After 2 weeks, through which his relationship with Kyungsoo was staying afloat, he found the apartment plunged into darkness; only a candle was throwing some light in the middle of the table.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“Uhm…romantic dinner? Call it however you like,” Kyungsoo said.

“It smells like food,” Baekhyun laughed.

He sat down at the table, where the plates were already on.

“So…how was work?”

“Great. I think I’m getting better at latte art,” he said, taking a bite of the food. “Tastes great.”

“Thanks…”

“I’ve been sending some pictures of your coffees to my mother,” Kyungsoo said, smiling.

“What did she say?”

“She really likes them. I quote: “Baekhyun is very talented and handsome too”.”

Baekhyun laughed, looking at the other. He placed the fork on the edge of the plate, beginning to chew his lips.

“I am not going to lie. I thought that being with you…dating you, whatever, would be easier. It’s not. Maybe it’s my fault too,” he said.

“Baek…”

“I’m not saying that to upset you,” Baekhyun said. “Really. And I love this.”

“Okay…I thought we could watch Captain America afterward. I know you wanted to see it,” Kyungsoo said.

Watching the movie didn’t prove to work as Baekhyun’s lips found their way towards Kyungsoo’s, his hand the t-shirt that he pulled off, throwing it somewhere on the bed.

“Can I try something?” Kyungsoo asked.

“What?”

“A sec,” he said, jumping off the bed.

He searched through the closet for a while and came back holding two ties, one bright blue and the other black.

“I’m just going to tie your hands and blindfold you…only if you want me to.”

“Okay…” Baekhyun whispered.

He took his shirt off and laid down on the bed, waiting. Kyungsoo took the blue tie, wrapped it around his wrists, creating a small bow at the end.

“Is it too tight?”

“No…it’s good…”

“Okay. Now your eyes,” he said, lifting his head.

Baekhyun’s breathing increased when everything turned dark, and all that he could hear was heartbeats in his ears. For a while, nothing happened; footsteps on the floor, something being opened and closed, the bed shifting underneath Kyungsoo’s weight.

“Is it going to hurt?”

“No.” he laughed. “It will feel cold.”

He jumped up and then moved further away at the first touch on his skin; it was more than cold, almost burning. Kyungsoo laughed again, stopping.

“It’s an ice cube, babe.”

Baekhyun nodded, staying still. A couple of seconds passed until he felt it again on his skin; he tried to stay still as, there was something warm too, beside the initial coldness. All the hairs on his body raised, he shivered, when the ice cube touched his erect nipples. It slipped off his skin, onto the sheets, as Kyungsoo sucked onto one, harder and harder before he bit down.

“Does it feel good?” he asked.

“Mhm…I’m so…hard,” he whispered, clutching his fists around the sheets.

Kyungsoo laughed, kissing him on both cheeks, nose and afterward lips.

“Should I…suck you or fuck you?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Whatever you want…”

“I want to fuck you.”

Baekhyun felt the pants sliding of his legs, slowly, the material dragging across his skin, it swishing against the sheets; the low thud when they hit the floor. Then, there came his underwear, and in the beginning, he wasn’t sure why it was taking so long. But then, with the scrape of teeth right above his pubic hair, he realized that Kyungsoo was using his mouth.

He moved down to his thighs, biting down on the skin; his lower body was pushed up, off the bed.

“Baek…I forgot. Choose a safe-word.”

“Uhm…penguin?”

Kyungsoo laughed and nodded.

“Can I slap you a little…?”

“Yeah…should I turn around?”

“On your knees,” he said, helping him turn around on the bed and face the headboard. “Can you stand like this?”

“Yeah, it’s okay…”

The first slap came without notice, suddenly, sharp pain that didn’t last long. Kyungsoo brushed his fingers over the spot, kissing it and then, the second one came over the other cheek, harder than the first, making the skin jiggle and then, after a while, stop. He did the same for it, slowly massaging the spot, giving small kisses in between.

Baekhyun heard a bottle being opened; one finger circled him, going slowly in circles before it entered, going back and forth until it reached the first knuckle. Another hit, lighter than the ones before, followed by one more and another finger going up.

After the third was wiggling inside, he pressed down against the mattress, moving against it. But Kyungsoo pulled him up by the middle, whispering in his ear: “Don’t be bad…Wait for me to fuck you, babe.”

When he entered him, Baekhyun’s breath came out in thin strands as, soon after, without even realizing, he was holding it as Kyungsoo started moving inside of him.

“My arms…” he whispered.

“What?!”

“My fucking arms hurt and I need to make latter art!”

Kyungsoo stopped with a sigh; he pushed Baekhyun on his back, placing his arms above his head as he pressed his leg towards his chest.

“Is it okay now?”

“Better…” he smiled and Kyungsoo kissed him while he entered once again.

Baekhyun decided while he was showering, that sex with Kyungsoo had been the best out of the times he had had sex in the past; and not because he was subjective, maybe only a little, but because, only from the simple fact that every time he was kissing him, everything was speeding up; his heart was beating faster, his breath was stopping, his fingers were beginning to sweat. His mind was imploding with sparks from each and every touch of his. It didn’t matter what he was doing, but all the sensations were growing stronger whenever he was with him.

In the morning, he was in the kitchen, 10 mugs filled with coffee covering every free surface of the room. The eleventh was in his hands.

“What the heck is going on? It smells like a coffee shop,” Kyungsoo said, walking towards him.

He wrapped both arms around his middle, placing a kiss on his neck.

“Tell me…which one of these doesn’t look like shit?!” Baekhyun said, huffing.

“Uhm…” he whispered, looking around. “I think they are all nice…?”

“No, they aren’t. They are supposed to look like that,” he said, pointing to the image in the book opened in front of him. “Mine don’t.”

“Baek…it’s 7…”

“I just wanted to do something nice for breakfast before you woke up. And I saw that and thought it wouldn’t be that hard to do…”

Kyungsoo laughed, brushing Baekhyun’s hair from the forehead.

“I like it when you are this passionate about something.”

“Do you?” he smiled.

“Yeah…you’ve never been this excited about anything since I’ve met you…I’m happy,” Kyungsoo said and kissed him.

“Yeah…?”

“Yeah. Now, what are we going to do with 11 cups of coffee?”

On his way to work, waiting in the bus stop, he saw a poster stuck to the wall of a shop; it looked exactly like his latte art. In fact, it really was, after he asked the manager who told him they’ve been making some posters to promote the coffee place.

“It’s great. People love your stuff. It is instagramable and pretty unique too. Colored flowers and red foxes in their coffee?! Heck yea!” the other said, grinning.

“Really?”

“Yeah…we have an Instagram too and since your art things, things are going much better.”

Baekhyun smiled, looking around the place.

That Friday night he went to see Yixing sing, but, for some reason, he didn’t bring Kyungsoo with him, even though a part of him wanted to. The place wasn’t crowded, but not empty either; Yixing greeted him from the entrance door, giving him a table closer to the small, wooden stage.

“Uhm…I haven’t sung in a while,” he said.

“I’m sure it’s going to be great.”

Which it really was, as at the end, the crowd cheered up and stood up to clap for him.

Baekhyun felt happy. Nothing seemed as dark or without any sense as before; the next day wasn’t just another dreadful event, another thing to worry about, feeling like everything was melting away into a whole without an end.

The days were just as filled with busy nothings, but those nothings were giving him joy; whether it was the smell of coffee, or a customer giving him a fatter tip because of his art, Baekhyun didn’t feel like he had no purpose anymore.

Even his university classes were more bearable; he didn’t care about how his paintings looked. Sometimes, glancing over at his studio partner’s sketch he felt a pang of jealousy and anger. But it was going away whenever the thought of coffee was entering his mind.

That’s how most parts of September up to the beginning of December had passed. Towards the middle of December, when it was almost Christmas, Kyungsoo had his first exhibition, a solo one, in a small, rented gallery near the city center.

“This looks fantastic…” Baekhyun said, placing his head on the other’s shoulder.

“Really?”

“This one in particular. I would buy it if I had the money.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Kyungsoo laughed and turned around. “Hopefully, there will be some who would buy some of these…there’s a light show in the back room.”

“Saw it before,” Baekhyun grinned. “Oh, also, I’ve invited Yixing to take a look.”

“Yixing from…the coffee shop?”

“Exactly.”

In the end, the exhibition was rather a success; a filming crew from some local television came by the end of the day, and by the third day of the show, Kyungsoo managed to sell half of the paintings. The prices were not high, especially for the smaller pieces, but Baekhyun was happy to see him so pleased with the end result.

“I’ve made…15.000$ from selling those,” he said.

Baekhyun was brushing his fingers through Cornel’s fur, while Belle was sleeping on his lap.

“That’s better than you’ve expected.”

“It really is…I just need to paint more, have a better style, better themes, and better advertising,” Kyungsoo said.

“Do you plan to do another one this year?”

“Maybe at the beginning of summer…?”

“Maybe…only maybe, you could have a small coffee stand with me doing my glorious latte art,” Baekhyun laughed. “Free advertising.”

Kyungsoo sighed, staring at the ceiling.

“Sometimes life is good, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Kyungsoo smiled, pulling his face closer to his own; he kissed him on the lips and then all over the face, making Baekhyun burst into a laughter that made Belle run away into the kitchen.

“Oh, god.”

“She hates your laugh,” Kyungsoo said.

“Shut up…”

Baekhyun didn’t feel like having sex; he only wanted to wrap himself in a couple of blankets, with Kyungsoo next to him, talking about nothing in particular.

“Can we just cuddle?” he asked.

“Sure, you chipmunk,” Kyungsoo laughed, pulling him closer.

Cornel snuggled at his chest, only his hair peaking right from the covers; after a while, Belle came back, jumping on the bed and sat right next to the dog.

“I wanted to tell you something for a while…” Baekhyun said. “It’s only an idea.”

“Okay…”

“I’ve told you about Yixing, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, he told me a while ago that he wants to go to Ghana to do some volunteering work in a school there…I was thinking that I could go with him for the summer. What do you think?”

“Would you like that?”

“I’m not sure…I was just thinking that…you’ll be back to Korea then and I need something to fill my time,” Baekhyun said. “It’s only 3 months too…”

“You have time to think about it,” Kyungsoo said and yawned.

“I have a stupid question,” Baekhyun said.

“Uhm, what?”

“You will laugh…”

“Why would I laugh?” he asked.

“I’m not whether you’d laugh or not but…I’ve been reading a couple of things about choking during…”

“Oh…” Kyungsoo whispered, tightening his grip of Baekhyun’s middle. “I’ve never tried it.”

“Would you want to…with me?” Baekhyun asked.

“If you are comfortable enough having me…”

“I think I am…are you?”

“Mhm,” Kyungsoo said and kissed him on the cheek.

Picking up smoking wasn’t something that Baekhyun had really given much thought to; Yixing, as he found out, had been smoking for 10 years and, one day right after Christmas, watching him smoke ignited a desire inside his chest. He needed to hold a cigarette for some reason, without any logical reasoning or explanation other than the need; Yixing didn’t say anything, as he would have expected. He let Baekhyun try from his, and for the first time, it didn’t feel like much. Only the taste of dirty socks left in his mouth long after there was no trace of smoke, the cough caught at the back of his throat, the itch to try it once more.

He did it 2 weeks after, still with Yixing, who again didn’t say anything. And afterward, Baekhyun thought about it as something he couldn’t control; he bought a pack of light cigarettes, the one in the white or silver packaging; with it came a lighter and, as a schoolboy, afraid to not be caught, he smoked one on a bench in the park opposite to the apartment.

But Kyungsoo noticed, or tasted the tinge of smoke still lingering in his mouth.

“Have you…smoked?” he asked.

“What?”

“You taste weird,”

“I…just tried it once from Yixing,” Baekhyun said, sitting down at the table.

Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow, placing a spoonful of bean paste on his plate.

“Only once?”

“Why is that important?” he asked, staring at the food.

“Because…you are my best fried and I don’t want you to ruin your health for something as stupid. Really.”

Baekhyun sighed, taking the pack out of the front pocket of his pants.

“Are you an idiot?!”

“It’s my money, it’s my body-“

“I can’t believe you are this stupid, honestly? First drugs, now this. What’s next?!”

Kyungsoo grabbed the pack from the table and threw it in the sink, turning on the faucet right over it.

“Idiot.”

“I can buy a new one,” Baekhyun said.

“And I’d do the same to that also. And the next one.”

“Why do you give a damn so much? In half a year you’ll be back in Korea, it’s not like we’ll see each other too soon.”

“I never said I’d move there forever,” Kyungsoo said and turned around to look at Baekhyun.

“You never said you wouldn’t.”

“I thought we were fine, seems like we aren’t.”

“Wow, you hit the jackpot,” Baekhyun said.

He stood up from the table, unsure.

“At least eat if you insist on killing yourself.”

Baekhyun sat down again, sighing as Kyungsoo pushed the fork across the table.

“Are you and Yixing close?” he asked, leaning over his hands.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You should eat too.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I’m not sure how to answer it. Or what you expect me to tell you.”

Baekhyun put the fork down, on the side of the plate and brushed his fingers through his growing bangs.

“If you two are close. He made you start smoking.”

“I wanted to try it, he didn’t do anything.”

He took another bite of the food, but it felt like if he took another one, his stomach would spill his contents without any sort of elegance. It was quiet, as only Cornel was running around, chasing his own tail while Belle was watching them from her usual corner, that was growing bigger and bigger with stolen objects.

“I feel like you like him better,” Kyungsoo said.

“Seriously?!” Baekhyun laughed,” then you are really shitty at reading my feelings.”

“Then what is it?”

“Am I not allowed to have any friends? He’s just a friend who doesn’t judge me for everything that I do.”

“Yeah, because he doesn’t give a damn whether you ruin yourself or not. There is a limit and you always cross it with everything you do.”

“How am I crossing it? Am I crossing it with you too? Just tell me, Kyungsoo, and I’ll just stop. Just tell me. Take me the way I am or don’t. There’s no in between. I want to smoke. It’s my life, my lungs, not yours.”

“Why can’t you see that I-damn it!” Kyungsoo said, hitting the table with the fist.

Baekhyun flinched, staring at him.

“I care about you,” he whispered.

“By being jealous and unfair?”

“I’m not jealous…”

“Yes, of course, you are not.”

“You know what?! If you want to smoke, you can smoke, I don’t give a damn. Do whatever the fuck you want. That’s none of my business. I’m not here to babysit you when I’m leaving in half a year, right?!”

“Would you just drop it? I’m tired and arguing with you isn’t really one of my priorities…” Baekhyun said.

“Whatever.”

Baekhyun sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Yixing is just a friend and I have no intention of fucking him too, okay? Do you actually think that I’m that easy?”

“Well, I’m not rich. You like rich guys, anyway.”

“So that is your problem, huh? You think I’m only being with you because I couldn’t find someone just as rich as that idiot Sehun or Chanyeol?”

“Maybe…”

“You’re a moron.”

“Thank you…”

He sighed, standing up and walking towards his back; placing his hands over Kyungsoo’s shoulders, he squeezed a little and then blew some air over his ear lobe. It made him laugh and flinch away.

“I only like your dick,” Baekhyun whispered.

Kyungsoo laughed again, glancing back at him. “Yeah…?”

“Yeah, that’s your best asset. And your ass. That too.”

His hands slid further down his chest, pinching his skin and stopping right over his stomach as Baekhyun was fully pressed against his back.

“You haven’t fucked me in a while…and I’m so horny.”

Kyungsoo kissed him, quickly, before Baekhyun pulled him up and dragged him towards the bedroom.

“Babe…”

Baekhyun laughed, kissing him on the mouth while he closed the door and pushed him against it.

“What’s up with you?”

“Nothing…” he whispered, kissing him again, nuzzling at the corner of his lips and cheeks. “I don’t like fighting with you…and I don’t want you to leave me because I…”

“You…?”

“We are friends and…”

“Baek…are you alright?”

“Yes, no…I…”

“Come here,” Kyungsoo said and hugged him.

Baekhyun breathed out, placing his forehead on the other’s shoulder.

“I feel shitty…” he whispered.

“Why?”

“I wish I could know…but I just-what am I supposed to do after school is over? I have no plans, no talents, no useful job skills.”

“You are a great barista.”

“So should I just work at a coffee shop for the rest of my life?”

“I wasn’t saying that…”

“I know you didn’t, sorry.”

He pressed his nose against his neck, making Kyungsoo hug him even tighter at his chest.

“I’m sorry…for being jealous for no reason. I know you wouldn’t do any of that.”

“I wouldn’t…”

Towards the end of January, Kyungsoo had the flu which meant face masks for both of them, ibuprofen in every corner, and trash bins filled to the brim with used tissues. But Kyungsoo didn’t seem to be getting better not even after the end of the first week, not while going to school and work like on every other day.

“You…” Baekhyun pointed towards him, “Need to stay home for at least 3 days. You’re getting worse.”

“Not true.”

“Last night you were running a fever. Should I remind you of your sweaty legs and blubbering?”

“I’m fine.”

“I’ll call at work for you,” Baekhyun said.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“Y0u’re very sick and stubborn. Just 3 days.”

“I’m fine,” Kyungsoo said and started coughing, coughing that only stopped after a couple of minutes.

“Is that fine with you?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m calling,” Baekhyun said and grabbed the phone from the table.

He ran towards the bedroom, closed and locked the door as Kyungsoo started knocking and shouting, which in turn made Cornel bark. After only one minute, he came out of the room, grinning.

“Your manager is really sweet.”

“Are you serious?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Of course. 3 free days. Now, you go, change in your pajamas, or, if you insist, take a shower and I’ll bring you some changes. Then I’ll give you a massage and a chicken soup,” Baekhyun said, pushing the other towards the bathroom.

“You do like it, don’t you?” he laughed.

“Shut up and shower.”

Baekhyun found that taking care of Kyungsoo was easier and nicer than he had initially expected. Because he wasn’t resisting to anything Baekhyun was doing to him or refusing the soup or massage and not even the sweating sessions underneath the duvet.

“You got to sweat the sickness out of your body.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, that’s what mom always used to do to me. And see, now I’m healthy and gorgeous.”

“Idiot,” Kyungsoo laughed.

“You’ll get better in no time,” he said, kissing his forehead. “No mouth kisses because I don’t want to get sick too.”

“Right.”

“I know,” Baekhyun grinned, standing up. “Bedtime story. I’m going to read to you my favorite fairy tale. One minute…” he whispered, sticking his tongue out. “ _(…) One winter day, the queen was doing needlework while gazing out her ebony window at the newly fallen snow (…)_ ”

“I think I’m sweating,” Kyungsoo said.

“That’s perfect.”

“I feel crappy…”

“Yes, but then you’ll feel great and I’ll be able to give you a little blow job as a get well gift.”

Kyungsoo laughed again and then coughed.

 


	4. the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me surprisingly long to finish this fic but here it is the last chapter; i wanted to keep it sweet and have a happy ending for both of them.  
> not sure, but i hope i have managed to build their relationship in a decent way and make them grow as characters, especially in the case of baekhyun. 
> 
> thank you for reading:)

Late February, Baekhyun thought for the first time that he had fallen out of love with Kyungsoo. It was not because he had found anyone better or that suddenly, all of his feelings had vanished. It just hit him one day, making a cup of coffee while Kyungsoo was still asleep, that he had stopped feeling any kind of emotion seeing him.

He was there, Kyungsoo, moody or more cheerful, wearing his black clothes and reading a book each morning at breakfast. None of that was sending any spark through his body, jolting right at the base of his neck, making him smile.

Baekhyun felt relieved.

After all, it couldn’t even have been love, more of a deeper infatuation, prolonged over the couple of years he had known him. Being with him had erased the novelty and need, leaving it be the way it was: a simple crush.

“Morning,” Kyungsoo yawned, stretching his body.

He kissed his cheek and took a mug from the cupboard; his favorite, blue with black dots, bought at a Christmas fair the first year of them living together. Baekhyun had always thought it was, in fact, a gift from one of his former boyfriends that Kyungsoo had never talked about, but at that point, he didn’t care anymore.

The mug fit with Kyungsoo; the white inside stained brown from the coffee poured inside for 500 days; not too small or big between his fingers, only perfect.

“Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Actually, it’s fine.”

“What?”

Kyungsoo cocked an eyebrow, filling the mug halfway with coffee from the pot and then the rest with milk. He rubbed one eye and scratched a spot behind his ear.

“Nothing. It was stupid anyway,” Baekhyun said sitting down.

“You are staring at me.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah, …are you analyzing me? I didn’t grow any taller over-night.”

He laughed, opening the book.

“I think I might just go to Ghana with Yixing,” he said, looking at him.

“Oh…that’s cool. New life experiences and stuff, right?”

Baekhyun sighed, staring at the ceiling; he wasn’t feeling hungry and saying everything out loud made the prospects of leaving even worse. But the idea of Kyungsoo’s departure, out of a sudden, seemed the worst.

He imagined the table empty, him all alone, staring into his coffee cup without the familiar crinkle of the pages or long yawns; there wouldn’t be the scent of lemon in the morning or yells and shouts for bathing Belle.

It would be just him sitting at the kitchen table.

“You good?”

“Yeah…I need to finish a painting today and then go to the shop.”

“Let’s do something fun tonight,” Kyungsoo said. “Go to the movies.”

“Okay…”

“Chipmunk…” he said, covering Baekhyun’s hand with his own. “You are upset…”

“I’m tired.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah…don’t worry.”

“Baek…I know you. There’s something you are hiding from me and usually, you just say everything you have on your heart.”

“Maybe we should be just friends,” he said.

“What?”

“I…I think being friends removes the possibility of us arguing so much and…we were doing well as friends.”

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything, only looked down at his book. “Am I a terrible boyfriend?”

“No…but…you are leaving in half a year, I’m going to Ghana and remaining friends seems wiser than…anything else.”

“Oh…okay…did you just think about it or…”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I’m not sure I want a long distance relationship when we don’t really get along 2 meters away from each other…”

“Okay, …that’s reasonable.”

“So you don’t even care that we practically break up.”

“Why am I supposed to push what I want on you when it’s clear this relationship is making you miserable? Just say that you have no feelings for me and I was a replacement for something better to come in your life.”

“That’s what you think?!”

“Yes! It’s so easy for you to say: we’ll be just friends. JUST! I don’t want to be just friends with you, not after…”

“Fine. Then we won’t break up.”

“I can’t understand you!” Kyungsoo said, standing up. “I can’t!”

“I can’t understand you either!”

“Then fine. What do you want?”

“I don’t want you to leave me…” Baekhyun whispered. “But admit it…we only argue or walk on our tiptoes to not anger the other…is that a good enough relationship for you when we can’t even agree on what movie to see or what bread to buy? We’re not honest with each other, we don’t say what we really feel. I’m stubborn, you’re stubborn. Are we really that great at being in a relationship together?”

“Then maybe not seeing each other that much will be good for us…” Kyungsoo sighed. “I’m stubborn…so I don’t want to end it like this.”

“Okay…”

“Baek…just say if you still want this or not. I’m not an idiot.”

“I do…I just don’t know what I want in life and…”

“Do you still like me?”

“Yes…”

“Then let’s just try these months, being better to each other,” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun had thought about that morning for the days to come, in the end regretting starting the conversation in the first place. Seeing Kyungsoo more serious than usual but at the same time attempting to act happy around him was only building around his guilt.

Because not only was Kyungsoo cooking more often and baking at the same time, but almost every night he was coming back with some sort of gift, under the lie that it wasn’t.

The day after the fight it was a bar of his favorite chocolate, the second a stupid pen with a chipmunk on top; he wasn’t even complaining about his smoking anymore.

Towards the beginning of March, Baekhyun took a second job with the intent of putting whatever he would earn into a separate bank account. He wasn’t sure about his plan, but it didn’t matter.

Kyungsoo was there, more present than before, but his heart was feeling heavier knowing all of that.

“I like this…” he whispered, leaning over his shoulder.

They had a blanket covering their bodies on the bed, a laptop placed on a big encyclopedia and popcorn in two bowls.

“Yeah…?”

“Yeah…I like you,” Baekhyun said and kissed him.

Kyungsoo glanced down, throwing another piece of popcorn into his mouth.

“Okay…”

“Fucker.”

“Babe.”

“What?”

“Come here,” Kyungsoo said, pulling him closer to kiss him on the lips while his fingers were trailing upwards, on his arm, towards his neck.

His thumb brushed over the edge of his mouth as his tongue when inside into the wet warmth.

“Let me fuck you,” Baekhyun said.

“Should I…?”

“Babe…” he said, dragging his fingers across Kyungsoo’s neck.

He shivered, closing his eyes.

Kyungsoo was so tight and the sensations were strange to him; he bit down on the skin of his back, digging his nails until he left red trails all over it, half-moons and long, winding stripes stopping at the base of his spine. Baekhyun felt overwhelmed, stopping from time to time to just look at his face and kiss every spot on it.

He lit a cigarette afterward, leaning on a pillow, covered by the blanket.

“It does feel pretty good, smoking after sex, I mean.”

“Does it?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Did you like it?”

“Maybe…”

“Come on, I was pretty decent for the first time.”

“You came too fast.”

Baekhyun shook his head, laughing.

“Give it to me, just once,” Kyungsoo said, taking the cigarette from him.

“Hello-“

“Pshht.”

“You are hot, smoking.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm…” Baekhyun whispered, taking it back and kissing him again. “I almost want to fuck you again.”

“I’m going to be sore for a week.”

“Because of me.”

“I used to smoke, you know? In high-school.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah…I gave it up when I came here and met you…you know-“ he smiled, “I would sneak out and smoke in the park so you wouldn’t catch me.”

“I wouldn’t have said anything.”

Baekhyun leaned in and nuzzled his neck.

“I was embarrassed,” Kyungsoo laughed. “I figured out quite quickly that you were more of a wreck than I was-“

“Asshole!”

“Bringing a cat and a dog just like that, at 12 at night?”

“I was a little bit drunk.”

“Of course…anyway, you also look kind of hot when you smoke.”

“I do?” Baekhyun grinned, throwing the cigarette butt into the ashtray. “Does it make you want to fuck me even more?”

“Mhm…and be rough…”

“You could do it right now.”

“Do you want it that much?” Kyungsoo asked, pushing him on his back.

He nodded, holding his breath; the lube bottle opened with a loud pop that made him shiver. It was cold at first, the brush of fingers tracing along the tight muscles. Kyungsoo was breathing warm air all over his skin, nibbling in certain spots, lighter and then, out of the sudden, hard. His fingers tightened around the sheets when Kyungsoo entered him, in one deep thrust; and then he stopped, brushing his thumb over his bottom lip, pressing it inside to have it sucked on by Baekhyun.

“Fuck…”

At the beginning of April, sooner than expected, Kyungsoo had another exhibition, smaller than the one before; only a couple of paintings but which sold at higher prices than the ones before. Baekhyun wasn’t envious of Kyungsoo’s success.

He didn’t feel happy either, or as happy as he should have. The second job was exhausting and not exciting. But the money was gathering each month into his bank account.

Kyungsoo wasn’t the one to ask too many questions.

There weren’t any more fights over unimportant matters as he was certain they were both holding back from saying whatever they were thinking. Kyungsoo’s departure for Korea was set to the end of June; knowing that, Baekhyun had signed the papers for volunteering in Ghana for three months, from the beginning of July to the end of September.

The idea seemed like a needed escape from the emptiness of the apartment. Away from everything familiar that could cause pain.

Weeks were passing each at the same speed, with no events or changes of situation. The same routine, all over; familiar faces, the smell of coffee in the morning and the last bunch of exams that he couldn’t care less about.

In one month, there would be the end of June.

Kyungsoo’s departure.

He expected it to come, like anything else, but sitting in the back of the taxi, with Kyungsoo next to him, nothing felt real. There were no tears or hugs of goodbye. Everything was like any other day, any other thing that had happened during the past three years.

Going with him to the airport wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.

The same cologne, sunk into his clothes, the heat rising from the asphalt, the muffled music coming from the speakers, their thighs touching through the thin material of their shorts. Kyungsoo’s hair was even shorter and Baekhyun wondered whether he looked different from the first time he had ever seen him.

The silence was pleasant.

He wasn’t looking for conversation anyway.

A part of him was certain that at the beginning of autumn, Kyungsoo would come back, as he had always done. Wash Cornel and Belle together and then clean the entire apartment until the palms of his hands would sting and his knees would turn red.

But the doors of the airport opened, Kyungsoo pushed the suitcase in front of him. It was noisy, too many people and voices and sounds surrounding him.

Kyungsoo was leaving him. All lone and not just temporary. He was about to be on his own.

“You alright?”

“Yeah…the queue is long.”

He wanted it to never end and Kyungsoo to miss his flight back home. But he didn’t. There were no tears or dramatic embraces not even then. Kyungsoo patted him on the back, squeezed his hand and said he’d call once landed.

He nodded, waving until he couldn’t see him.

The floor creaked underneath his feet; he hadn’t noticed that before. The screech of the front door, the bed springs poking his back while sleeping, how Cornel stank. It all seemed new.

In the morning, he wondered why Kyungsoo wasn’t at the kitchen table, reading his book. There was no trace of him left in the apartment. Not even one. His side of the closet was empty, toothbrush and cologne gone. Like he had never existed.

Late that afternoon, Kyungsoo called him, voice raspy, coughing from time to time.

“Are you good?”

“Yeah, tired like hell. But it’s good. Mom cooked and my brother came to see me. You?”

“Here, with Cornel,” Baekhyun smiled, scratching the dog between its ears.

“What are you going to do with them when you leave?”

“Mom will come to take them back home…”

“Oh…I kind of miss them, you know?”

Baekhyun laughed, feeling his chest grow tighter. He wanted to say something but stopped. There was no need for melodrama.

Nobody was dying.

“Baek…”

“Huh?”

“You should wash Cornel and…Belle chewed your black shoes. Uhm…don't eat too much fast food, you get those pimples on your forehead and-“

“I’m okay, Kyungsoo. Really. I’ll stop smoking when I go to Ghana.”

“Okay, it’s good then.”

“Kyungsoo…”

“Huh…”

Baekhyun waited for a little, breathing out.

“Good night. I…”

“Good night, Baek.”

Baekhyun left with Yixing to Ghana at the beginning of July. The school was nowhere near finished and work underneath the scorching African sky was harder than he had expected. Days were long, filled with dust and the smell of cement and construction materials; there were many locals too and at certain intervals, some reporters were coming, taking interviews and snapping pictures while they were working.

There, away from the quiet of their apartment, he didn’t need just as much the presence of Kyungsoo. He was even further away, almost from a different world.

Yixing was a decent company, not much of a talker. Their discussions were not straying further away from safe topics; he didn’t like him that much or want him near him most of the time.

On his own, he felt better.

At the end of the summer, the school was almost finished. More volunteer teams were coming, having school supplies, ready to buy the furniture or have it donated by some company.

There were quite a few unemployed people in the region where they were working and Baekhyun wondered, not only once, why they couldn’t be hired and paid through all those donations. It seemed like a much more reasonable idea but he had no one to tell that to. Everyone was too excited to see anything else that they wanted to.

When the last days of September came, Baekhyun felt relieved; his skin was tanned, home seemed further away than ever and not even the idea of Kyungsoo seemed to bring anything to his chest.

Home.

After those 3 months, he was certain about what he wanted to do. While he had been in Ghana, he hadn’t been talking with Kyungsoo and only seldom calling back home. His mother hadn’t been pleased about his choice, but having him return under her roof meant that he had no other choice but obey her.

Yeri was at university for her first year, so the house was emptier than he had used to know it.

“I want to open a coffee shop over here,” he said one night while his mother was solving a crossword puzzle.

“With what money?”

“I’ve had a second job…I have some money in my bank account. I was thinking about a loan.”

“A coffee shop?”

“I’m really good at making coffee. And latte art. It could work out.”

“What if it doesn’t? Then how are we supposed to pay a loan and all the debt for the coffee shop? There are hundreds of them in the entire town, why do you think yours would bring more clients than the rest? You could get a job at a nice local business. I can talk to some friends, find you something.”

“Okay, do that and let’s take the loan, find a place to rent, decorate it. I will keep that job too. I will pay the loan myself, just…”

“Baek…I trusted you with your university choice. It was-“

“A failure. I know. But 3 years ago I didn’t know what I wanted. I was scared and stubborn. I’m stubborn now too, but I’m sure I like making coffee and art and making people happy with what I do. Last year I only made coffee and thought about what to do with my life. Since Kyungsoo left…I need something to fill my time.”

“Baek…sweetie,”

“I’m good. We weren’t getting along that well anyway.”

Kyungsoo called him 2 weeks after his coming back home; the conversation dragged on, filled by ‘uhms’ and ‘yeahs’ to a point where Baekhyun couldn’t wait to close the call. He wasn’t sure whether there was still something between them or indirectly they had both decided to end it all and only keep the appearances.

As said, his mother found him a job at a local business while the idea of a loan was being discussed weekly without any visible consensus.

Life was passing slowly, the days were still warm but nothing was bringing him joy.

By the beginning of October, he found the perfect space to open the coffee shop; not too big or small, a decent rent and decent looking to not need many repairs.

But his mother was not set on the loan.

Baekhyun wanted to talk to someone about everything, but as time passed, he had realized that over those 3 years, the only constant person in his life had been Kyungsoo; he hadn’t even realized how dependent was on him, his opinions and help. Even the food cooked by his mother wasn’t tasting as well. He missed Kyungsoo’s laugh and grumpiness.

He missed Kyungsoo.

Their bickering, their cuddles and cleaning routines. Everything seemed to remind him of the other, sometimes more and sometimes less.

In the middle of November, they applied for a loan.

Baekhyun felt happy organizing the place, buying everything needed, painting the walls with his mother, Irene, and Minseok who offered to help in their spare time.

By the end of December, the shop was open. The sales for the first 3 months were rather terrible, and even though he was the only employee except for Minseok’s help from time to time, he couldn’t break even. There were no profits, as expenses were much higher than the revenues. He didn’t expect many of the things he had to eventually do or people he had to pay such as an accountant.

In 6 more months, he was breaking even, not making much profit, but more and more people were coming to the coffee and, after a rather decent marketing campaign-done by a friend of Joy’s-the place was doing better than before.

Kyungsoo was calling once every month or only sending him messages asking how everything was going. It was beginning to not hurt him just as much as he had other things to worry about. At the beginning of summer, he started an intensive accounting course after which he would be able to do his own accounting and not pay another person.

Joy became involved in the business, taking coffee-making lessons from Baekhyun in their spare time, so when Baekhyun had other things filling his time, Joy was working at the coffee shop.

He didn’t ask, but for some reason, he was certain her modeling career was almost over.

In October, he hired 2 more people because the two of them couldn’t manage the place alone. Joy was a full-time employee by then.

“You know what…” she said as Baekhyun was cleaning the tables. “This place is great…”

“You think so?” he asked, glancing back.

“I wouldn’t have thought that you have it in you.”

“What?”

Baekhyun laughed, leaning over the table.

“You have a real, working business,” Joy shrugged, “it’s pretty cool if you ask me. And you pay me.”

“Of course. You could be a shareholder in the company if it grows bigger.”

“Sure, sure. Keep dreaming.”

“I’m serious.”

“Okay,” she laughed. “How’s with Kyungsoo?”

“Uhm…” he whispered, throwing the cloth in the air.

He watched it fall over the table, wrinkled and dirty; sighing he grabbed it and finished wiping the surface.

“We don’t really talk so I have no idea. Well?”

“Oh, come on. Don’t dwell on him. There are so many great people out there and you choose to just hang on to him. I mean, I get it. Big love, memories…But he’s not the only one and you deserve better.”

“Why do I deserve better? Does that mean that I am better than Kyungsoo? How?”

“You are smart, cute, great, you should be happy in your romantic life too.”

“I am happy.”

“Semi-happy.”

“I am happy. Things are going fine.”

“Fine. Fine as in job, not fine as in you go home and you have someone to love you and-“

“Just end it. I can’t get over him, whether I deserve something better or worse. Stop talking about it.”

Baekhyun was not thinking about his feelings, about whatever he really wanted other than keeping the coffee shop stay afloat. Days were passing and his relationship with Kyungsoo seemed so far into the past that it didn’t even matter anymore. It was certain he would never see him again.

Maybe at night, he was thinking about what it could have been; being less stubborn or more honest, but in the end, he was still afraid of any negative consequences of an unnecessary honesty.

He wasn’t smoking anymore.

Joy kept trying to set him up with different guys found on a Tinder account made by her. Irene was getting married and he wasn’t sure whether or not he was happy.

Even university days seemed far away.

When he rented an apartment on his own, taking Belle and Cornel with him, he didn’t feel joy; it was empty, scattered with brown boxes and dust. The echo of his footsteps on the floor and the bark of Cornel in the empty rooms.

Nothing was as he had envisioned it.  

After another year, he opened a second coffee shop in an area in the town where there had never been many; the opening preparations had taken up most of his summer and in the beginning of autumn, there were colored balloons at the entrance, dangling in the air and people already seated inside.

Joy, Minseok and Irene were with him.

“So are you going to do the accounting for both places?” Minseok asked.

“That’s the plan. Saves some money anyway,” he shrugged.

“You are crazy.”

“Am I?”

“Let me be honest,” Minseok said, “I’ve never thought you’d make it work.”

“Asshole.”

“Truly a big one. I always had faith in you,” Joy said, patting his back.

“You’re only saying that because you are my employee.”

“And soon enough I’ll have a 10% share from your profits. I’ve started business school,” she laughed.

When Kyungsoo called at the end of that month, he almost dropped the phone hearing his voice and the words he was about to say.

Kyungsoo was coming back.

Kyungsoo.

He cleaned the entire apartment for 3 days straight whenever he wasn’t working and waited for him at the airport, heart beating too fast in his chest. Baekhyun wasn’t sure what to expect. That whole while he hadn’t looked at photos of him.

But his face was just as vivid in his mind.

When he finally spotted him in the crowd, he wasn’t even certain what to do.

“Hey…”

“Hey…”

“I am so tired,” Kyungsoo laughed.

“We’ll have to take a taxi, I don’t own a car.”

“Okay, it’s alright.”

Baekhyun felt like his apartment wasn’t enough; it all looked too cheap and simple, nothing exactly organized the way it should have been.

“Can’t believe you have your own place!”

“Yeah…” he laughed, turning on the lights. “I’ll take the couch.”

“Oh…okay.”

“Are you hungry?”

“No, I’m good. Baek…hyun…I-”

“The bathroom is right there…the kitchen is here and the bedroom is that door. The bed is already made so it should be alright.”

“Thanks.”

Baekhyun didn’t want to get his hopes up, dream for something that was never going to happen again; truthfully, he wasn’t eager to face some feelings he hadn’t tried to search for a while. Kyungsoo was almost like a stranger to him.

“Morning!” Kyungsoo said, already in the kitchen

It smelled like pancakes, the ones he had used to make in their old apartment. Sometimes, at night, Baekhyun had been wondering who was living there, what was their life, maybe happier than theirs.

“Sorry if I…maybe I should have asked first before starting cooking but-“

“It’s okay. I don’t really use that kitchen anyway.”

“I heard you’ve opened a second coffee shop?”

“Did Joy tell you that?”

“Yeah…on the phone.”

“I plan on opening a third….but I want to wait, see how things will be next year. Find a good spot for it too.”

“I’m happy for you,” Kyungsoo said, placing a pancake on the already formed stack on the plate.

“I didn’t hope that you’d be coming back so fast.”

“My father died half a year ago. There was no need for me there anymore and it felt strange.”

“Oh….I’m-“

“It’s better this way, trust me.”

“Can I take one?”

“You’ve never asked before…” Kyungsoo laughed and looked at him.

Baekhyun glanced down.

“Yeah, I know, things have changed. It’s just weird, you know? You look the same but nothing is the same anymore…?” Kyungsoo said. “Come, eat…they are warm.”

“You would have slapped my hand back then.”

“Really?”’

“Yeah…because I would have taken the entire plate and then you’d just complain that you are still hungry…so I’d give you from mine…”

Kyungsoo laughed, flipping the pancake. He was eating in silence, watching him cook and at times, closing his eyes to just hear the sizzling of the oil in the pan and smell the faint scent of vanilla.

Like that, it felt like normality. Opening his eyes, it didn’t. Or maybe it did.

“What are your plans?”

“Finding a place to rent first. Then…not sure.”

“Have you been painting?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I…I couldn’t find any inspiration there. I got an office job and did some supplementary courses. I’ve never told you but…I left Korea to study here because I couldn’t get into one of those universities,” Kyungsoo said.

He turned off the stove and sat down at the table, followed by Baekhyun.

“But Korea doesn’t feel like home anymore, even though my family is still there.”

“Then what is home for you?”

Kyungsoo shrugged.

“I’m about to say something really stupid and reckless, so I should just stop while I can.”

“Just say it. If it’s bad, I’ll pretend you said nothing.”

“You feel like home to me…” Kyungsoo said, looking down.

“Oh…”

“Yeah…” he whispered, biting his lip. “Eat, they’ll get cold.”

“Kyungsoo…uhm, this might seem rushed but…you can live here, with me. You can take the couch. I don’t really like living alone anyway…”

“I’ll think about it.”

Kyungsoo moved in with him almost immediately which in the end didn’t seem different or strange. Only normal.

He was fitting right into his life, knowing everything he liked and didn’t; Kyungsoo was cooking just as he had used to, they were shopping just like they had used to.

But being back as they had used to, that was pushing so many thoughts into his mind. Kyungsoo was everywhere he was looking at; he could only think about him.

Was he thinking about him too?

Baekhyun had hoped that the time that had passed would have erased the remaining of his feelings it proved that it only accentuated them with even more force.

Kyungsoo was home one night.

“Do you like it here?” Baekhyun asked.

He smiled and nodded.

“I missed you…”

“I…”

“Sorry…I’m being shitty,” Kyungsoo said.

“You are not.”

“Are you sure…? Maybe I should move out and find my own place.”

“We can act like adults, can we not?”

“I do like living with you…it feels natural at this point.” Kyungsoo laughed. “You know…it took me so long to get used again to the way my folks do stuff. I didn’t have to cook or clean after anybody.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“It is but…”

“Now I’m better at those things.”

Kyungsoo laughed, his head leaning over the couch. He glanced at him and then back at the TV.

“What will it happen when you get married…will you complain then too about how organized and clean that person is?” Baekhyun laughed.

“Who said the person will be organized?”

“Because…you are supposed to marry someone that resembles you in tastes and shit.”

“Would you?”

“What would I…?”

“Marry someone that is as messy as you are? That would be so terrible. You need someone opposite to you who can-anyway,” Kyungsoo said, shaking his head.

“Then who should I marry?”

Kyungsoo shrugged.

“The person you love.”

“And what if the person I love doesn’t love me back? Then…what am I supposed to do? Forget about my feelings and find someone that would love me unconditionally but that I have no feelings for because I wouldn’t be able to forget…”

“How do you know that person doesn’t love you back?”

“I just…know,” he whispered.

“Maybe you read it all wrong.”

“Did I? It’s too late anyway to say anything about it.”

“Maybe not…”

Baekhyun tried to not think about anything the weeks that followed. Work was busy, not leaving him much time to dwell on his thoughts; and even when he had some to spare, he would just sleep or do laundry.

During Christmas, he worked so he had no idea about Kyungsoo’s plans.

On Christmas Eve, when he opened the door, it smelled like cinnamon; Cornel kept barking.

“I’m making pie! Also, don’t change your clothes. We are going somewhere!” Kyungsoo yelled from the kitchen. “I’ve realized that we’ve never celebrated Christmas the way we should have. And I don’t mean presents. Those are stupid. But in ‘spending time together’ kind of way.”

“Okay…” Baekhyun laughed.

Kyungsoo’s idea was packing the pie with them and taking a taxi to the hilltop outside of the town.

“It’s snowing,” Baekhyun smiled.

“I hoped it would…I thought the lights look really pretty…and the snow and…”

“It is…”

“Let’s eat.”

They sat down on the cold, wet ground, opening the plastic box and eating the entire pie without saying a word, just watching the lights, the cars passing on the road and the stars on the sky. It was snowing lightly, not hard enough but enough to see the small, white shapes floating in the air.

Baekhyun leaned on his shoulder breathing out a cloud of air.

“That’s…”

“I want to tell you something,” Kyungsoo said.

“Alright…”

“I…love you. I was a coward to not tell you this before but-“

“Don’t ruin it, please,” Baekhyun said. “I…love you too.”

“Yeah…?”

“Yeah…”

“Do you love my cooking more than you love me? Just admit it.”

“Yes, I only love your food and I pretend to be in love with you to have you cook it for me. You caught me.”

“Idiot.”

“You love me,” Baekhyun giggled, leaning towards him.

Kyungsoo placed an arm around his shoulders and they sat like that, watching the lights of the town while giggling from time to time.

He felt happy.

 

~

**Author's Note:**

> comments are well loved:)


End file.
